Just did my MRP.. Again. It's 3am. This is nuts. Haha.. Hope I fall sick tomorrow I want a break from everything man. Yawn. Though things may seem to be in a rotten mess but I have faith in what time brings. =) Oh well. Smile when I can!

Gays: Born or bred?

It is in my belief that the issue of homosexuality is not a biological issue, but a mental one. Imagine this: A man has been living in confinement his whole life, and the only company he has ever had is that of the male gender. He has never seen or heard or come to the knowledge of the existence of any other gender. Who would cater to his biological and emotional needs? Needless to say, since no other option existed to him, he would naturally emerge
as a homosexual.

Perhaps this man did finally come to the knowledge one day that there miraculously existed not only one gender, male, but another most intriguing one called "female". Would he then concede to the laws of nature and partner a female? He could CHOOSE to, or not to. However to choose TO would be a difficult feat of will power, as he would then have to abolish every notion of sexual orientation that he once had. You have to recall that he has been living in the companionship of only males. Hence, as male was the only choice of partnership to him, for all that time, it would be instilled firmly within him that homosexuality was how things worked. But bear in mind that the privilege of choice was made accessible to him

Let us apply the above analogy in the context of the present day. I assume that there exists no single individual who is unfortunate to live in an environment where only other individuals of his or her gender existed. Hence, as they by default had the privilege of choosing the gender of their partners, it can be thus concluded that homosexuality is bred, and not born

Sng Tiap Yang(19) 4K

Hey on to continue the previous post. Heh. So anyway I conked out and missed breakfast. After breaking camp we went for another lanning session and then it was off to SNYO rehearsal for me. Whee. Missed the RJC Alumni concert that day cuz I was just too tired.

Hmm.

Oh camp was frm 16th-18th June btw. AGES ago huh.

Next was some audition with the octet again. For another performance that we'd regret. But I'll touch on that a real long time later. We screwed up a bit of the 3rd movement up so there was this period of silence. General Pause huh. Haha. But I think we did really well. That was 26th June.

Haha. I'm remembering all the dates and stuff that happened cuz I've stored everythin in my phone. Rocks huh. Yeah man.

Then school reopened. It was really hectic. Cuz we had so many gigs and stuff. There was this School Zone thing which our strings had to play for. And it was at NYGH Auditorium. Haha. Lousy place for a performance but it does bring back memories of last SYF. But I'll come back for more later.

MRP. That's why I'm on a blogging spree. Haha. Kk. Now I really gotta settle myself down and work. Been slacking around for 2 hours already. Haha.

Actually. I realise the reason I put down all the details are for myself. So that I can look back and remember.. My past, my history, my life. Yeah. Cya.

This blog's almost dead huh. I just don't have the time..

I'm listening to Beethoven 8th symphony again. Oh man the memories. Argh. Okay it just ended I'm switching to Brahms. Academic Festival Overture.

Anyway. A plethora of stuff has been happening since 14th June. Yeah? Haha!

I guess I won't go into detail. I can't. I just can't remember. Just All those thoughts and memories swimming around in my head. I dunno..

Strings camp. Fun. So much lanning involved. Whenever we had time we went over to coronation to lan. Haha. The first day we had banner painting and then a mini-water bomb fight. Some idiotic Sec1 put soap into the bombs. No brainer. Haha. Anyway. People who defied the rules of the game got pelted by everyone. Hmm. Seniors didn't really participate. After all we didn't want to get wet. After everything Dun Jie got all of them to stand in a line with their backs to him, and he just flung a bucketful of water at them. They chased he ran. God knows what happened to him. Hahaha! Then we gave them some impromptu performance thing. They had a 5hour interval to prepare for a performance at the drama center that night. Evil on my part. But its to train the new committee. Yeah. Anyhow, sec4s went lanning and left them to thei own accord. =D I went a bit then went for SNYO rehearsal. Tried to collect a few seniors to go back with me after but failed. Got back just in time for their performance. Goodness. Haha. I'd say it went ok lah. I mean how much would you expect anyway. Their recording sounded much better on Bao He's Zen Touch. Hmm. Then movie screening at LT 2 Spongebob Movie!! Hahaha it was hilariously mindless! Haha! After we walked over to the 7-11 beside HCJC and ate cup noodles. Bought super big gulp which would last me till the next day. Slept at probably 3plus or so. Heh.

Goodness that's only ONE DAY!! Talk about not going into DETAIL.

Second day.. Woke up and immediately had the Amazing Race. Or rather Search for The One Ring, you know, LOTR? Haha! Corny idea by yours truly again. Anyway participants had to chase after Fellowship and Nazgul. Everytime they caught either, participants do a forfeit. Then the caught one would reveal himself as FS or NG. FS would give them a clue, NG would give them nothing. Yep so they were to collect clues until they had a map to an unknown location to find the Ring Bearer. Ring bearer would be accompanied by another NG. FS and NG were at East Coast. Miles away huh. And secret location was a few hundred metres form Lenard's house. Naturally I was the RB, and he was the remaining NG. Cool. Cuz I got to stay at his house while waiting and play DOTA. =D Man the forfeits were hilarious. Asking strangers for phone numbers and everything. Quite surprised we didn't get arrested for rioting. Haha!! I personally wanted : "make an old man swear at you with hokien vulgarities" Ha! Too bad it was disallowed ;) anyhow mine in the end was to play a chess game with me and would gain or lose points according to how well you played so that you could redeem yourself even if you didn't find me first. Game was had a points system see. So yeah. After that thing was dinner. And lanning again.

Oh then water bombs. Shaun and Jon Ong came over to play. Yep it was fun. Seniors completely gobbled everyone else. I had so many frags!! Yay! By backstabbing. =D Shaun and Jon went back after that. Oh Shaun fell and cut himself quite badly. Sigh.Then played card games like IDIOT and that kinda thing till really late. Haha. I was the idiot. And forfeit was.. I crept into the orch room where everyone was sleeping and shouted "I'm the idiot lah" followed by a very severe expletive. Heh. Fell asleep while people were still cracking jokes and stuff like that.

Next day, broke camp after breakfast at KAP. Skipped breakfast cuz I was too tired.

The thing I'm most wary about is this:

No one's there for you.

Absolutely.

No one.

That's what hurts I guess. Knowing that in the process of giving so much of yourself to someone, you know you're never going to receive as such that you've bestowed. And you see the people closest to you flying away to their goals, aspirations.

Their freedom.

While you're stuck. Tied down by the chains that you entangled yourself in in the process of giving, caring and loving.

That's what's scary.

That's why I'm wary.

Amen.

Been a long long time.. Been watching time slip through my fingers.. Its never coming back that's what hurts. But I just want time to indulge, to enjoy the freedom of nothingness.. Life seems to be accelerating exponentially, never letting you stop to enjoy the simple things offered to you, to smell the flowers, feel the wind, hear the birdsong.

Sigh.

Endless mires of trouble keep seeming to end up at my feet pestering me for attention. I wonder when it will ever be my turn to hurl them around. Not that I'll ever need the chance but. I do wonder who would stop for me, who would stay if I needed it?

No one did.

Not that it mattered but its nice to wonder.

Many nice things have been happening.. Things that I want to remember.

The HC concert. I had lots of fun. Octet and everything.. Its set a new benchmark for entertainment during chamber practices and things just never seem to be the same after that. American seems boring all of a sudden. The post-concert party was a flop though. I don't feel like blaming people. I just want to forget all about it.

Hilary Hahn concert. She was fantastic, jawdropping. What I'd give to play just half as well as her. Ah the evergreen dreams of musicians, always fantasizing for perfection. But anyway I loved Rachmaninov's symphony as well SSO played its best I've ever seen. Maybe its because I never go for theur concerts on a regular basis? Hmm. Oh and Hahn played in 2nd violins for the symphony. Only noticed at the end of everything.. Was really funny arguing with alan about it. Also. Had ticket trouble before the concert and missed the first piece. But most importantly caught Hahn in all her glory. Shared jelly beans during the intermission. Helped people take pictures after the thing tried to buy a CD and an autograph but they ran out of stock.

There was the Chinese drama play? It was really amusing really funny. The dance choreographer did a crap job but it was really fun cracking jokes at the back and everything screaming "Dong Dong" after the show. It was fun come to think of despite all previous forebodings. Also had the end-of-term activity that day.. Chose Hip-hop dancing out of everything. It was the cheapest and half the class chose it so went for it. The instructor was a faggot. Really couldn’t stand him. He’s a beng, so I guess that explains it. But I guess it was still fun anyway after everything.. Hmm. Wonder if I still remember my dance moves.. Doubt it. Took away ban mian for lunch.

Yesterday.. Went to sentosa with the strings for the balloon hats festival CIP rendezvous. It was a total flop. We sold about one balloon. But you couldn’t blame us it was FIVE dollars. Walked around for one hour trying to sell. Hopped on a moving tram and got scolded by the driver. Nice stunt though. Mmh. Attracted lots of staring. Heh. So after that hour we had free and easy for the rest of the time but we’re still going to count as 6hours plus. Haha. Played cards, threw some ball, walked around siloso beach, bought food at seven-11. Just lazed around. I think it was fun. I like lazing around anyway. Went to uncles house after that for a bbq. Was too full to eat much. Got bored and fell asleep on the sofa.

I wish I could help. I wish I wasn’t such a weakling.

Your affection is just superficial, your love just on the surface. You barely know me, you've never seen me once in your life. Yet you pretend to care so much.

Or is it real?

How do I tell why don't you show me.

Not that it matters.

But.

And you. Why do I have a feeling all you care about is looks. You just want someone to be there for you? But have you any idea that I can't give you that. Hell I can't solve a single one of your problems. All I can give is encouragement that any other tom dick and harry can give. We've grown so distant over the years do you even remember the last thing I said to you face to face. Cuz I can't.

Think it over.

And YOU. Wonderful YOU. I don't care how YOU feel about me. I care what I feel about YOU. I don't want to care too much I don't want to fall too deep. I don't want or need anything from you. I just choose to give what I want to give.

I've grown up. At least a little.

Sweet 16.

Can't believe its still there.. Go away. You're just lies.

I lost something. Sigh.

Was sitting on the bus after dinner with my wonderful friends when I realised something. Was about… 8:40pm? Anyway. Maybe I’ve been putting it off for awhile but I’m quite positive – I’ve done it again. After all my crapping around and playing and waving off everything… I’ve done it AGAIN. Why I don’t know. How it happened I don’t know. Thought I wouldn’t ever have the ability to do it again but wowee. Dunno whether to be happy or sad, to laugh or cry, to face reality or run from it. And which option is running away, or facing it, anyway? I have no idea. But well. Like Lipton, good things grow.

I hope bad things don’t.

Good thing I'm still in control of SOME things. SOME. Hope I won't lose it though or I'll die and history will repeat itself and I can just go play in traffic. Whee. Tiap Yang prata. How gruesomely attractive. I choose to die by a army truck, cuz army trucks look cool. Wanna be a driver for NS! So I think I shall go and fake some sorta chronic illness in NS BMT. Then if I pull it off I can drive!! FREE driving lessons!

But I still love vans though.

Aha. Ranting. Hohum.

Bye bye.

How do you handle a heart?

Heyy.. On the comp. Slacking, working on ACE 'projects'. Actually its more of ctrl+c & ctrl+v jobs lah anyway. Hahaha.. Hohumm. Nothing to say.. Just don't know whether I'm over-committed.

Commitment? A dangerous thing. So many many many things have happened that really make me think so hard before I put my efforts and emotions on the line. Was in a dilemma and I finally decided.. Maybe I'll just let myself go one more time. And trust. And not to look back at all the failures staring at me like statues stuck in the limbo of my memory. It's all I can do to stop turning around and looking at them, and to prevent these episodes from ever happening again. Beyond that.. I really don't know whether I can cope with one more statue..

But I decided what the heck. I'm too soft anyway to be heartless like what I wanted. And. Its too much work to do so in the first place. Also, you wouldn't ever really feel any real satisfaction in whatever you do if you don't put in all you've got, relationships, projects, concerts, competitions, the like.

So. Here I go again. I'll just let things take their course.. There're some things that you just don't control, just let what's meant to be happen. I guess. I think. I hope.

Mmmhmmm. Dropped the NUSSO thing. Feel bad. About two things. I gave such late notice, lenard being lonely and THE MONEY. So make that three things can't be bothered to backspace anymore needa work.

So I've REALLY been slacking here. Wanna catch Kingdom 'o heaven and STarwars. I need money. Any sponsors? Aha.... Yay sweet sixteen.

Been thinking about changing blog skins.. But.. Nah. Don't think so. No point. No time. Haha. And I don't like what it symbolizes anyway.

So. Hear me ramble. I HATE trojan horses. Been hit twice in under a month. Screw the Greeks. Ok. Out of point.

Ate ice-cream yesterday! At Venezia's. Haha.. Nice nice and I've got more ice-cream waiting in the fridge.

Right hand's got a problem. Think I spiccatto too much. Or maybe I'm doing it wrongly. Anyhow will find out tomorrow at lesson.

Sabbaticals week. Slack. yayee. Needa chock up ACE points larh darn it.

Oh man. Future looks.. BUSY.

Hello. These few days been hectic for me.. Just woke up finally not feeling like there're two-tonne weights hanging on my eyelids.. At least all the studying, the late nights, the pain and suffering.. Its all paid off. But what the hell. I don't know how much of this I can take.. Getting that bloody A takes up SO MUCH of you. Don't really care if I top the class. I just wanna be normal.. Happy. With my friends around me to pull me through with their laughter and smiles.. And really being my gaurdian angel for me when I really really need it? Yeah you know who you are! Chances are you won't even read this. But all the same. Take care and love you loads!

Anyhow. Maybe this is just the push I need to maximise my full potential. Adults throughout my life have been telling me to over and over again.. But can't you see I just wanna be happy and do the things I wanna do in life? All I wanna do is scrape through and nothing else matters.. Haha.. But now.. I guess I wanna do this cuz.. Cuz.. I dunno. Just feels really nice to do well..

Then again maybe I'm just lucky this term lah.

SYF.. What to say? I think we were expecting too much. With all the chanting "Beat RI, thrash RI, get gold with honours".. Hmm. Personally I knew that was never ever going to happen. Just kept silent and watched everyone being overwhelmed by their own fantasies.

Gold? Hmm. I wouldn't say I'm satisfied. But I wouldn't say I'm unhappy about it either. I dunno but there're just so many mixed emotions on the thing.. Yeah it was a relief cuz we played so badly as a whole.. But there was also the knowledge that we could have done much much better. But one thing I'm sure of.. Is that I'm proud of the work we've put in. Especially. My wonderful violas!

Haha.. I bet some of you are sniggering right now and thinking I'm just trying to boast about myself. But hey. I don't mean that ok. As far as I'm concerned I've done a pretty lousy job as section leader always slacking during sectionals, going late for rehearsals, yadda yadda the list goes on. But what I wanna say is that I am so so proud of how my guys have worked so so hard. I'm proud of the way they came together after so many failed attempts and played.. Magic. I don't care what you say but I don't think even RI's viola section could have beaten ours.

They were fantastic. And that goes on to prove that hard work can do anything, no matter how impossible it seems. I'm proud to lead a group of such wonderful young people. Thanks guys, for everything.

Haha.

;)

Chug chug. Enough time wasted here already..

Everything's got its time and place. And mine definitely isn't in music. Was playing together with a wonderful group of talented friends when suddenly something just popped in my head : what the hell am I doing here?

I don't know. I feel like a fool! And I've gone through it in my mind over and over again. Is is to improve? No, I ain't getting anywhere? For contributing, putting in what I'm worth? No. As far as I'm concerned Im worth nothing.

For the love of music?

Aah. That would have been a good reason to keep me going. But now.. I've been cheated again and again by my own feelings and affections for music.. It takes up so so so much time, energy, emotions. I can't give anymore..

I think I'll be an engineer. Then I'll retire as farmer in Australia!! Yeah, that's nice. I'll go convince Lenard to farm with me. I like sheep and cows. Moo.

Hey.. Been busy.. So busy.. There's nothing much to talk about, really.. Just.. Day to day stuff.. How we play chess everyday in class, during recess, lunch, breaks. All that. Haha. How we poke fun at Kai Shin AKA Fatty Gooi, FATthew, MFF.. Haha..

Then of course there've been those wonderful concerts I've been playing at.. Hmm. To be exact.. 3 concerts, 2 masterclasses and one stupid auditionnn.. All the span of 4 weeks!! Haha.. What can I say.. Just that working hard together then showing it off.. Its fun lah. Wish I could do it every single day of my life.. But of course I've got other devotions.. Big ones, small ones. So. I don't know how to explain. But. You know. Its the "if it comes it comes, if it doesn't, who cares" kinda thing..

Don't have much time here.. I have other things to do. More important stuff that I've been neglecting. And I feel bad now. So I shall go now. And really talk things out this time.. And be me. Don't wish me luck cuz I don't need any k? Not that I'm that ego or anything. But everything lies in my heart and what I truly want. So yeap.

MRP's done by the way.. Ok. So I guess this is it.