i told someone today that life's all about letting go and moving on.

perhaps i should take it back because life is much much more than that. it's just so big a thing that i can't possibly summarize it within this blog. anyhow right now there's alot of living in moments going on for me.

i'd like to talk about a little something. there's this little song that's been getting me through when i don't have my phone beside me (you know why).



suddenly my fav song in the album.

sometimes it brings tears but every time you cry, you get a little stronger. just can't sit there and let the world pass you by in self-pity. that'd be just tragic.

tomorrow you book in again. yet you're optimistic that you'll be able to last through. confident that while life goes on outside without you, you won't be forgotten, that there's a place for you to return to. then you feel touched beyond description that there are people willing to do everything they can to accommodate you, even at their own expense.

staring as i sit on the jarring steel steed,
watching eyes of devilish red stab the dark hues of night.
trees pass me by like solitary pilgrims
going on and on to face their loneliness.
yes, their loneliness till their death
they face ceaselessly, perpetually.
be happy and thankful you don't
and will never face the same fate.

beauty comes and fades but not the sweet scent of true love.

back from hell on earth.

its been such a long time. can only hope that where i am, i'll finally learn a few lessons on perseverance and humility. watching the planes pass by as others fly off to meet the sunrise while we're stuck on limbo isn't the most enviable feeling.

in any case there's still the blessed sea. it reflects the colour of the skies, and is capable of existing in the most stunning blue. perhaps its the only thing noting and remembering in this whole experience.

but whatever. my life starts and ends during the weekend, with nothing left in between.

went to PS today. what a wonderful day. diving bell and the butterfly is such a fascinating show. wish i had a more literary mind to appreciate it further!

then there was the park and there was you, and suddenly all is right in the world

nothing much to say about taiwan.

realised that there was this HC person called yi huang there and to think that i don't even recognize her! so interesting.

bought some nice new clothes.

ok going NS in err 2.5hrs. so excited.

will miss you. thanks for yesterday. love you.

in taiwan now..

ok things are a bit sian cos most of the time and - i really mean that literally - is spent on the bus travelling my ass around the entire island. haven't stopped at a place for more than an hour except for meals, hotels and shopping at night. haven't really seen much of taiwan yet so pls dont ask me how it is here.

ok just exaggerating the last bit but hmm its not that there's nothing much to see, there is ALOT to. just that in tour groups you don't really see anything. so pls do NOT attempt to go on tour groups. you have been warned.

in general, the weather here is nice and cool. really enjoying it. though there has been warnings of extreme cold weather tmr, 7degs!! YIKES. hope i dont freeze my butt off.

everyday eating and sleeping (on the bus). the equation that defines pigs. that which is me. feel the lipids build!

the tourguide is damn funny thanks :)

loved the hotel we stayed in during 2nd night. damn shuang. big spacious room! nice hotel food.

happy that i finally own my first pair of jeans tonight.

ok sleep beckons.

dear. you know i miss you too. like crazy.

that just feels so... hmm. :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. i think im not gonna have the luxury of a computer tmr.

worst thing about this trip is not being able to spend it with you eh? :/

leaving tmr morn, gotta wake up at 5am which makes one wonder, what the hell am i doing awake at this time?

lan was fun today haven't played such an exciting game in a loong long time.

ok, take care everyone.

"oh you couldn't really stun anyone 'cos you were all the time... sort of... dead."

<3.

hello world i am BACK!

its been nearly 2 years! a long 2 years its been. love HC. love everything that's ever happened and im glad i didn't go to (gosh) raffles. yuck!

about xmas: its all about the decorations and the lights! love lights. especially when they glitter and shine off smooth porcelain, glass or plastic surfaces. those belonging to xmas decor, that is! so lovely.

a question! is it nicer when the lights are in a single colour (usually a pale blue or yellow hue) or a rojak of all colours? i thought about it maybe its got more to do with the hanging decorations and complementing them.

its been the most peaceful xmas in my life. absolutely serene. no undercurrents, no worries. just plain love and companionship and a faint little touch of I Am Legend. =)

its good. just watch it. haven't have had such a emotional attachment to fantasy in a long long time. i think the leader of the monsters looks like Ty Pennington! the host of extreme makeover home edition. anyway the monsters are simply adorable. they jump outta nowhere when you're in a dark lonely place to give you hugs!!

love my new wallet just love everything :)

taiwan soon. land of earthquakes, dirty politics and jay chou.

oh you're just so over her man.

"i like fat birds who sit in cages all day long to eat and sleep."

OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE IM DOING THIS BUT I AM IM BLOGGING.

WAH LAO.

THINGS HAVE CHANGED, ALOT OF THEM.

I THINK THEY'LL ALWAYS KEEP CHANGING BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT LIFE-TIME IS ABOUT.

I have no idea what to say, HA, so I shall just keep my mouth shut.

If only you could see, you could hear, I could tell and we could be then oh sky above now come to me and bring this hope past eternity WOO HOO.

I feel so... Down. So dejected. I've been listening to pieces from the Violinn Passion thing specially choosing the Andantes. And I remember this Wieniawski one that Menuhin did. It was.. Urgh. I don't know why its like this why I'm like this right now.

Of course no one can make it right, only you. Help. Heed my cry.

Please do not forsake me.

My blog. Finally, my space to write down things that I've left unspoken... It's been... 1 year, 2 months and a few days, from the time when it happened and something snapped in my mind.

Now I can write, away from the knowledge of the world, from the people around me to say what I want to say. To find an avenue to put it all down. I have wondered why I never use a diary. But I guess its because there is always an end to a diary. There ain't never enough pages. But with this, I can write and write and write. No one would ever know. I could always come back again and ponder and recall.

I do wonder how I feel about these things now... I guess. I don't really try too hard. Or think too hard. I don't try to see through the fog. Rather, I just ponder on the hard cold facts...

STJ was an interesting little thing.

After church went down to school once more. Met at the class bench. Yi Jia called to say he just bathed at home. Haha. Slack! Walked around with Han Lu and Shaun trying to find Keevin and Jasmine. Found Jasmine, and went down to the bench once again from the library to meet Keev, and Yi Jia who happily just arrived.

First clue for Amazing Race was some "point of 7 islands" thing. Jurong point. Took 157 there, which was stupid cuz it takes many detours to get to Boon Lay. Ah well, but we just slacked and talked lah.

Got there with Ming Xiu telling us to do a duck walk across the entrance? Haha. Not very embarassing, so just did it. Was told to collect 4 plastic bags, and met Yu Tian some where in the mall. Ate breadtalk. Got our next clue which was...

SiMei! Oh my god. Took an MRT and I remember us sitting upon the floor playing "truth or truth; spin the pen". Okay lor. Keevin and Yi Jia keep getting hit, don't know why. Just luck or the hand of god, i wouldn't know. Haha! Sigh. When it came to me, you know what questions I got, always always the same irritating thing argh. Ah well. Nvm.

*Brushes hair aside*

ANyway at the erm. Don't know what point? Zuo Hou had us use the plastic bags we got from Jurong Point to put on our feet to "iceskate" -.- Like small kid like that but not too humiliating either! So we all just did it. Then went to some nearby pet safari and had to find the number of popular dogs and one of the name of the breeds. Okay. Got wrong info the first round and I went down again. The cashier was pissed. But in the end I found the poster where all the info was on and off we left.

Had ice cream.

Out of Point: Gosh why do I bother to write so much?

Then next was... WOODLANDS. OH MY GOD. We were last by that time because of our long 157 trip and our ice cream eating. Damn funny. But YaYan taught us a cheap short cut way. Instead of taking MRT all the way, we stopped at tampines (had a waffle), then took 969 to yishun MRT then took another MRT to Woodlands, Causeway point. Met ShaoNing collected went to find a poster in a toilet, and took chilli sauce from macs, mos burger and kfc then went to catch Janice, who wasn't very hard to catch anyway.

Went down to Yi Shun again! Haha. This time it was Yu Tian again. Who wanted Jasmine to propose to the Taufik poster. Then someone had to kiss her. I shall cease to comment who. And anyway after that we had to find a list of items.. Straw from KFC, sushi receipt, paper bag from delifrance. Haha.. Then went to find Ming Xiu at Starbucks. We were really really late already, and game masters were warning us of the forfeits...

Took another MRT to sommerset, centre point. Haha. You realise every station was a "something"-point. Heh. And Zuo Hou was there. Had to go up to a mac's cashier and start asking stupid questions, "How big is a big mac?" "Is a cheeseburger bigger or a hamburger bigger?" "Can I have a hamburger without a pickle and not pay for the pickle?" Then take two packets chilli sauce and yam-seng with Keevin. -.-"

Then went to Robinsons to find Fong Yi. Some group did and everyone just gathered. Had to do some stupid forfeit. I take a bra, and, very manly, walk up to the saleswoman and then "Xiao Jie, zhe ge shi he wo ma?" in a gay fashion. Okay. How embarassing. But at that point something had snapped in my head, that my group wouldn't be last anymore, cuz everyone was there! So I cut ahead of Naga, who was really hesitant. Also did a second thing, which was go up to a vase of display flowers and try to buy them. Haha!

So then we got our clue to Yu Zhong's house and ran to Cine and took cabs.

And guess what. We ended up from last to first. DAMN FUNNY!!

Yep so at Yu ZHong's house we had a catered dinner. It was pretty nice. I liked the fried prawns with the crispy things and curry leaves, damn nice. Played a bit of cards, a bit of pool, then left relatively early, on ShaoNing's car. It was then that I realised she was actually sick, but still running around. Damn touching.

ANyway, the punishment for the last group was drinking a disgusting concoction of fruit punch, chilli sauce and just urgh stuff lah. Things you put into exothermic reaction. Sorry if I'm using too much slang. Can't be bothered to change. And er... My group got melted chocolate and lays potato chips. =)

That's it I suppose. About yesterday, viola lesson was a bit short. But I didn't practice anyway, so what's the point. Realised how nice Ravel can actually be. Though I still think Rapsodie Espagnole is full of cow-crap.

Today's Macritchi familiarization run was agonizingly funny. The S-club 7 from our class just walked through the whole thing, right at the back of everyone, finally cutting through the girls' route. We ended up being faster than a few people cuz of that, but still lost that lead in the end. Mr Teng was damn funny. He was saying to us in chinese, "Wah you guys walk like that from sec1 to j1!!" Yeah, it was really damn funny.

Somebody stole my wallet. I've got nothing to say really. Nothing.

My mother's a bitch, seriously. I hereby announce. There shall be no follow up. Wtf.

Today's been a bad day, I conclude.

There's nothing much I wanna say about how I feel about things. I won't say. Except... I wish there was someone or something to help me. Oh so much. I just wish I was the naive, ignorant person of 3 years ago. I listened to those songs I listened at that time. That time was sad.

But this time is sadder.

So despite the sad songs and their emotional baggage, I actually relived those times, AND WAS HAPPY.

Oh god, I WAS so happy.

Oh god.

Hey.. It was a fun Chinese New Year alright. Though its the same routine every year, it still is extremely fun. =)

1st day of CNY went 2nd maternal uncle's place after church. Ate the traditional mee sua thing. Played lotsa black jack and earned loadsa cash. Fell asleep on the floor while watching tv in the basement. Woke up and was about to begin taiti when we had to go. Bugger!

Went home washed up a bit then left to grandma's place again. Heh heh. Continued playing cards. Heh. Watched tv.. Did the yu sheng thingy. Had a nice dinner.

2nd day.

Went to ex-neighbour's place. Some old granny where who we're really fond of cuz she took care of my bro when he was young.. Just sat and listened to her talk in teochew politely. Though I couldn't understand a word, I just liked it. You know, watching someone talk on and on. Somehow it wasn't as boring as assemblies and stuff. Was feeling a bit tired though.

Then went to maternal 7th uncle's place. Played gin rummy! Slinged 4 times and earned tonnes of cash and wow. Everyone was damn shocked and awed. Hahaha. Damn lucky. Fell asleep on the sofa! Had dinner, watched tv a bit whil eating, continued the card games... Haha. Fun what.

3rd and final day. Went out in the morning for breakfast at 6th ave with Lysia and Felix. Returned him his econs notes. Had prata then went over to venezia for ice cream! Then just sat there and talked nonsense. Then as we were leaving, me and Lysia noticed this caucasian guy with a toddler.

Man: "Which is your index finger?"

Son: Sticks out middle finger at his dad

Man: ".... Er... No. That's your middle finger..."

It was SO DAMN FUNNY LAH. Stumbled out of the building laughing my ass off and getting so weak at the knees I had to hang onto some signpost to stay upright.

Wasn't planning on going out. So did my work super slowly. Then suddenly parents announced that we were going aunt's place and I was damn shocked. Felt screwed cuz I had a lot of work.

But anyway went over and started playing Soldier of Fortune on the comp. Found out how to comtinue from the place where I ALWAYS got stuck at, which resulted in my stopping myself from playing.

Fulfilling. =)

That's it.

TODAY

I guess today's been quite a nice day to me. I'm not sad anymore. I can do my tutorials. I have free time. I can sleep early. I can play a bit of comp.

What more could I ask?

After school I stayed back at class bench to mug. Went to westmall after and walked around a bit, waiting to buy my bus concession from the MRT booth, which was "out to lunch"??!!

Ronnie Quek is a funny guy.

I think... I've woken up abit.

Oh, and happy chinese new year everyone, and anyone! =)

Hey...

Yesterday was an ok day. Just stayed home and practiced more... I really should start doing stuff on my viola. Been doing violin these few days... For what? For Sibelius and Bruch... And Bach.

Watched tv also. Later in the evening went to grandma's house for reunion dinner. What can I say. I think my cousins are hostile, or maybe that's just the way they speak with other. Anyhow. After dinner just sat and watched tv. Again.

And I realise how fragile this barrier of indifference that I create is so fragile... All it needed was some sort infiltration by an insider... Everything that I worked to create has been torn down leaving me naked, bare, with nothing to cover me.

Or more specifically, there is nothing to hide my feelings with anymore. Everything's been blown wide open like a firecracker with a watermelon.

So now I wait again.

And I just prepare myself for the very worst.

Still... I do wish for certain things. Nevermind if I can't get them. At least I lived in a fantasy once before.

My house is devoid of sound except the running fan.

I have practiced till my fingers feel like dropping. Still, I have not expressed myself enough in my world of empty rooms, where the music from my heart is the only thing that still lives, and beats.

I played the first minute of sibelius over and over and over. Because I don't have the score, I just have to play based on what I've heard. I've played the first few seconds of the scottish over and over and over. I don't have the score too so I play from memory. I've played the first minute of chaconne over and over and over. I can't be bothered to look at the score and learn from where I stopped off. I could only memorize till there. Besides, I am in too much turmoil to learn anything.

AND STILL I BURN. Now there is no shortage of tears anymore. What am I? A wreck. Why? Because I allowed myself to be, that's why. Lessons learnt over and over and freaking over and yet they do not sink in, I continue to collide against concrete. These conflictions pull me apart, and there goes my humanity. I curse and I swear and I be violent against all that obstruct me, because I have no energy to hold these rushes of hot blood anymore. I can only do so much as to hold this ultimate monster. Its not frustration nor anger nor hate. You decide what it is.

I have duties that I have so skilfully neglected, and now I feel the pain. It is my fault, it truly is. And I aplogise to all who have looked to me for something, one way or another, yet I have not delivered. IT IS MY FAULT. Though I wish these burdens could taken off my shoulders. I don't want to work like this anymore... To be the one responsible for everything... I work silently behind the scenes, to the glorious perfection of a joyous event. Yet I stay not to enjoy the fruits of my labour, for I cannot. I have to do the work so that the show goes on. By the time I am relieved, the stage is empty, waiting for my triumphant entry. Yet... The auditorium is empty as well. And I face the voidness and emptiness...

ALONE.

No one sees me going about.

No one understands how much I let go for it.

But still I go on, and I do wonder why?

Can YOU tell me why?

Can YOU tell me why things are like this? Why I ponder and pain over such things. Why I'm pulled apart between duties and dreams so very often? I don't like this, to put it vaguely and simply.

I HATE IT.

So today was a day where I learned many things. At least its a start, to become who I really want to be.

It was Ming Yi's bday!! So Li Wei got her a cake. Ran around trying to find a lighter, and got one from the man at the canteen indian stall. It was a joint celebration for Ming Yi and Lin Xi whose bday was the sunday before! =D Returned the lighter to the nice indian man. Well the cake was chocolate. Which makes it a good cake. Haha! And Han Lu played Jay Chou's qing tian on the guitar for them and I sang along! Skipped all the impossibly high parts.

Anyway I just slacked through the CNY celebrations at the class bench. Watched the always interesting mass dance, but was too shagged to join in. And other reasons. I just sat, watched remembered and was amused.

Went down to fac dance though. Janice, Gareth and Shao Ning pestered. I dragged myself there. And was humiliated cuz honestly, I don't know how to do the dance at all.

Oh yes, I forget. Our CNY street market stall was a raving success. My efforts in lugging a container to store the drinks from home paid off. And of course when me and Yan Long walked to 7-11 to lug somemore ice back. We sold the drinks cheap, 50c for two cups. And we had a profit!! Of 33.33%! Yep so that was a good thing. I was happy, because so many people helped out.

=)

Was just whiling time away. Went to the orch room and took out dun jie's violin. Its so sweet and I played the above 3 pieces over and over and over.

Went home, practiced the same pieces over and over and over again.

Poured my heart out.

Well at least I practiced today.

And learnt many things today.

Nevermind that I'm still alone.

Yet who can hear? Who can understand?

Who??