Ok. Not in the best of moods now.. Am tired. Been so for so long now.. Just wanna sleep, and wake up to find everything’s just a bad dream.. I try to set things right.. But things always turn out like crap.. I dunno lah. Dunno how much more shit from me people around me who I love can tolerate until one day they burst.. Or maybe they already have.. Why am I always doing stupid things?! Urgh. I’m just screwed up lah..

Worst type of wound that can be inflicted is to the heart, when the ones you love strike out at you. They may leave a flesh wound, but that heals quickly. What leaves behind is the emotional scar. And you try to forgive.. But forgetting is so hard. You have to try, to put behind your pride, lower yourself and extend your hand, in a gesture to put all arguments aside. And yet have to fear that your extended hand won’t be accepted, leaving you standing there like a BLOODY FOOL.

Maybe there won’t even be that damn emotional scar, cuz that wound that cut so deep into your heart never closes. It just flows and flows and keeps on bloody flowing until you’re drained of everything.. Until you just can’t bring yourself to think about anything anymore. And then when you’re out of blood, maybe that wound heals. Only to tear so easily again whenever someone else who you give your heart to comes along and tears it up.

Yes. I finally realise that I an a loser. All my life, I have been backing down, backing down, backing down, running away, running away, running away, until when I finally hit a wall, turn around and then realise, THAT I HAVEN’T THE STRENGTH TO FIGHT ANYMORE!!! All my life, I have given way to others.. And watched them smirk as they pass me by.. Never have a chance to do things my way.. And in the end.. It’s ME. ME who sticks out my GODDAMN RIGHT HAND AND TRY TO FORGIVE. WHY?! Maybe. Maybe it’s cuz I’m weak right? RIGHT! Because I’m just so soft, that I never want to hurt others.. Despite the way they mock me. Despite all the shame and embarrassment I went through.. Does anybody else let tears get the better of them as easily as I do. I think not.

And I put up this wall on the outside.. These walls that look tall and strong. Like Jericho. Yes. Jericho and it’s proud walls. All it bloody takes is a damn trumpet blast. And down they come. Hide. I have to almost every damn thing from almost everyone. The only people who I open up to are people who I don’t care about much, and who don’t care much about me either. Maybe it’s cuz they wouldn’t hurt me so much when they use my flaws against me..

I feel.. That the people who I have loved have either taken advantage of me, or chased me out of their hearts.. And you know it just hurts SO MUCH. And you know, I’m smiling when I’m typing this. Cuz I’m HIDING it. Again.

Everything that I do is a mistake. Maybe it’s because I’m a mistake. Maybe if you took me out of the scene things would be much better..

So now I feel so blank. Have let everything flow out.. There’s nothing left inside anymore.. The future? Screw the future. I don’t have one.

Maybe I’m meant for all this lah. Hmm. Is that a type of running away? Because it just feels so much better that I can’t do anything to change anything. Or maybe I should just stop doing anything at all, cuz I’ll only serve to mess things up.

Somewhere I Belong
When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find/That I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck/Hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own

I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
[Erase all the pain 'til it's gone]
It's gone]
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I Belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere/Only to fin that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the
Way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain/Hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
The fault is my own

I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything 'til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today

I want to heal
I want to feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong