My blog. Finally, my space to write down things that I've left unspoken... It's been... 1 year, 2 months and a few days, from the time when it happened and something snapped in my mind.

Now I can write, away from the knowledge of the world, from the people around me to say what I want to say. To find an avenue to put it all down. I have wondered why I never use a diary. But I guess its because there is always an end to a diary. There ain't never enough pages. But with this, I can write and write and write. No one would ever know. I could always come back again and ponder and recall.

I do wonder how I feel about these things now... I guess. I don't really try too hard. Or think too hard. I don't try to see through the fog. Rather, I just ponder on the hard cold facts...

STJ was an interesting little thing.

After church went down to school once more. Met at the class bench. Yi Jia called to say he just bathed at home. Haha. Slack! Walked around with Han Lu and Shaun trying to find Keevin and Jasmine. Found Jasmine, and went down to the bench once again from the library to meet Keev, and Yi Jia who happily just arrived.

First clue for Amazing Race was some "point of 7 islands" thing. Jurong point. Took 157 there, which was stupid cuz it takes many detours to get to Boon Lay. Ah well, but we just slacked and talked lah.

Got there with Ming Xiu telling us to do a duck walk across the entrance? Haha. Not very embarassing, so just did it. Was told to collect 4 plastic bags, and met Yu Tian some where in the mall. Ate breadtalk. Got our next clue which was...

SiMei! Oh my god. Took an MRT and I remember us sitting upon the floor playing "truth or truth; spin the pen". Okay lor. Keevin and Yi Jia keep getting hit, don't know why. Just luck or the hand of god, i wouldn't know. Haha! Sigh. When it came to me, you know what questions I got, always always the same irritating thing argh. Ah well. Nvm.

*Brushes hair aside*

ANyway at the erm. Don't know what point? Zuo Hou had us use the plastic bags we got from Jurong Point to put on our feet to "iceskate" -.- Like small kid like that but not too humiliating either! So we all just did it. Then went to some nearby pet safari and had to find the number of popular dogs and one of the name of the breeds. Okay. Got wrong info the first round and I went down again. The cashier was pissed. But in the end I found the poster where all the info was on and off we left.

Had ice cream.

Out of Point: Gosh why do I bother to write so much?

Then next was... WOODLANDS. OH MY GOD. We were last by that time because of our long 157 trip and our ice cream eating. Damn funny. But YaYan taught us a cheap short cut way. Instead of taking MRT all the way, we stopped at tampines (had a waffle), then took 969 to yishun MRT then took another MRT to Woodlands, Causeway point. Met ShaoNing collected went to find a poster in a toilet, and took chilli sauce from macs, mos burger and kfc then went to catch Janice, who wasn't very hard to catch anyway.

Went down to Yi Shun again! Haha. This time it was Yu Tian again. Who wanted Jasmine to propose to the Taufik poster. Then someone had to kiss her. I shall cease to comment who. And anyway after that we had to find a list of items.. Straw from KFC, sushi receipt, paper bag from delifrance. Haha.. Then went to find Ming Xiu at Starbucks. We were really really late already, and game masters were warning us of the forfeits...

Took another MRT to sommerset, centre point. Haha. You realise every station was a "something"-point. Heh. And Zuo Hou was there. Had to go up to a mac's cashier and start asking stupid questions, "How big is a big mac?" "Is a cheeseburger bigger or a hamburger bigger?" "Can I have a hamburger without a pickle and not pay for the pickle?" Then take two packets chilli sauce and yam-seng with Keevin. -.-"

Then went to Robinsons to find Fong Yi. Some group did and everyone just gathered. Had to do some stupid forfeit. I take a bra, and, very manly, walk up to the saleswoman and then "Xiao Jie, zhe ge shi he wo ma?" in a gay fashion. Okay. How embarassing. But at that point something had snapped in my head, that my group wouldn't be last anymore, cuz everyone was there! So I cut ahead of Naga, who was really hesitant. Also did a second thing, which was go up to a vase of display flowers and try to buy them. Haha!

So then we got our clue to Yu Zhong's house and ran to Cine and took cabs.

And guess what. We ended up from last to first. DAMN FUNNY!!

Yep so at Yu ZHong's house we had a catered dinner. It was pretty nice. I liked the fried prawns with the crispy things and curry leaves, damn nice. Played a bit of cards, a bit of pool, then left relatively early, on ShaoNing's car. It was then that I realised she was actually sick, but still running around. Damn touching.

ANyway, the punishment for the last group was drinking a disgusting concoction of fruit punch, chilli sauce and just urgh stuff lah. Things you put into exothermic reaction. Sorry if I'm using too much slang. Can't be bothered to change. And er... My group got melted chocolate and lays potato chips. =)

That's it I suppose. About yesterday, viola lesson was a bit short. But I didn't practice anyway, so what's the point. Realised how nice Ravel can actually be. Though I still think Rapsodie Espagnole is full of cow-crap.

Today's Macritchi familiarization run was agonizingly funny. The S-club 7 from our class just walked through the whole thing, right at the back of everyone, finally cutting through the girls' route. We ended up being faster than a few people cuz of that, but still lost that lead in the end. Mr Teng was damn funny. He was saying to us in chinese, "Wah you guys walk like that from sec1 to j1!!" Yeah, it was really damn funny.

Somebody stole my wallet. I've got nothing to say really. Nothing.

My mother's a bitch, seriously. I hereby announce. There shall be no follow up. Wtf.

Today's been a bad day, I conclude.

There's nothing much I wanna say about how I feel about things. I won't say. Except... I wish there was someone or something to help me. Oh so much. I just wish I was the naive, ignorant person of 3 years ago. I listened to those songs I listened at that time. That time was sad.

But this time is sadder.

So despite the sad songs and their emotional baggage, I actually relived those times, AND WAS HAPPY.

Oh god, I WAS so happy.

Oh god.

Hey.. It was a fun Chinese New Year alright. Though its the same routine every year, it still is extremely fun. =)

1st day of CNY went 2nd maternal uncle's place after church. Ate the traditional mee sua thing. Played lotsa black jack and earned loadsa cash. Fell asleep on the floor while watching tv in the basement. Woke up and was about to begin taiti when we had to go. Bugger!

Went home washed up a bit then left to grandma's place again. Heh heh. Continued playing cards. Heh. Watched tv.. Did the yu sheng thingy. Had a nice dinner.

2nd day.

Went to ex-neighbour's place. Some old granny where who we're really fond of cuz she took care of my bro when he was young.. Just sat and listened to her talk in teochew politely. Though I couldn't understand a word, I just liked it. You know, watching someone talk on and on. Somehow it wasn't as boring as assemblies and stuff. Was feeling a bit tired though.

Then went to maternal 7th uncle's place. Played gin rummy! Slinged 4 times and earned tonnes of cash and wow. Everyone was damn shocked and awed. Hahaha. Damn lucky. Fell asleep on the sofa! Had dinner, watched tv a bit whil eating, continued the card games... Haha. Fun what.

3rd and final day. Went out in the morning for breakfast at 6th ave with Lysia and Felix. Returned him his econs notes. Had prata then went over to venezia for ice cream! Then just sat there and talked nonsense. Then as we were leaving, me and Lysia noticed this caucasian guy with a toddler.

Man: "Which is your index finger?"

Son: Sticks out middle finger at his dad

Man: ".... Er... No. That's your middle finger..."

It was SO DAMN FUNNY LAH. Stumbled out of the building laughing my ass off and getting so weak at the knees I had to hang onto some signpost to stay upright.

Wasn't planning on going out. So did my work super slowly. Then suddenly parents announced that we were going aunt's place and I was damn shocked. Felt screwed cuz I had a lot of work.

But anyway went over and started playing Soldier of Fortune on the comp. Found out how to comtinue from the place where I ALWAYS got stuck at, which resulted in my stopping myself from playing.

Fulfilling. =)

That's it.

TODAY

I guess today's been quite a nice day to me. I'm not sad anymore. I can do my tutorials. I have free time. I can sleep early. I can play a bit of comp.

What more could I ask?

After school I stayed back at class bench to mug. Went to westmall after and walked around a bit, waiting to buy my bus concession from the MRT booth, which was "out to lunch"??!!

Ronnie Quek is a funny guy.

I think... I've woken up abit.

Oh, and happy chinese new year everyone, and anyone! =)

Hey...

Yesterday was an ok day. Just stayed home and practiced more... I really should start doing stuff on my viola. Been doing violin these few days... For what? For Sibelius and Bruch... And Bach.

Watched tv also. Later in the evening went to grandma's house for reunion dinner. What can I say. I think my cousins are hostile, or maybe that's just the way they speak with other. Anyhow. After dinner just sat and watched tv. Again.

And I realise how fragile this barrier of indifference that I create is so fragile... All it needed was some sort infiltration by an insider... Everything that I worked to create has been torn down leaving me naked, bare, with nothing to cover me.

Or more specifically, there is nothing to hide my feelings with anymore. Everything's been blown wide open like a firecracker with a watermelon.

So now I wait again.

And I just prepare myself for the very worst.

Still... I do wish for certain things. Nevermind if I can't get them. At least I lived in a fantasy once before.

My house is devoid of sound except the running fan.

I have practiced till my fingers feel like dropping. Still, I have not expressed myself enough in my world of empty rooms, where the music from my heart is the only thing that still lives, and beats.

I played the first minute of sibelius over and over and over. Because I don't have the score, I just have to play based on what I've heard. I've played the first few seconds of the scottish over and over and over. I don't have the score too so I play from memory. I've played the first minute of chaconne over and over and over. I can't be bothered to look at the score and learn from where I stopped off. I could only memorize till there. Besides, I am in too much turmoil to learn anything.

AND STILL I BURN. Now there is no shortage of tears anymore. What am I? A wreck. Why? Because I allowed myself to be, that's why. Lessons learnt over and over and freaking over and yet they do not sink in, I continue to collide against concrete. These conflictions pull me apart, and there goes my humanity. I curse and I swear and I be violent against all that obstruct me, because I have no energy to hold these rushes of hot blood anymore. I can only do so much as to hold this ultimate monster. Its not frustration nor anger nor hate. You decide what it is.

I have duties that I have so skilfully neglected, and now I feel the pain. It is my fault, it truly is. And I aplogise to all who have looked to me for something, one way or another, yet I have not delivered. IT IS MY FAULT. Though I wish these burdens could taken off my shoulders. I don't want to work like this anymore... To be the one responsible for everything... I work silently behind the scenes, to the glorious perfection of a joyous event. Yet I stay not to enjoy the fruits of my labour, for I cannot. I have to do the work so that the show goes on. By the time I am relieved, the stage is empty, waiting for my triumphant entry. Yet... The auditorium is empty as well. And I face the voidness and emptiness...

ALONE.

No one sees me going about.

No one understands how much I let go for it.

But still I go on, and I do wonder why?

Can YOU tell me why?

Can YOU tell me why things are like this? Why I ponder and pain over such things. Why I'm pulled apart between duties and dreams so very often? I don't like this, to put it vaguely and simply.

I HATE IT.

So today was a day where I learned many things. At least its a start, to become who I really want to be.

It was Ming Yi's bday!! So Li Wei got her a cake. Ran around trying to find a lighter, and got one from the man at the canteen indian stall. It was a joint celebration for Ming Yi and Lin Xi whose bday was the sunday before! =D Returned the lighter to the nice indian man. Well the cake was chocolate. Which makes it a good cake. Haha! And Han Lu played Jay Chou's qing tian on the guitar for them and I sang along! Skipped all the impossibly high parts.

Anyway I just slacked through the CNY celebrations at the class bench. Watched the always interesting mass dance, but was too shagged to join in. And other reasons. I just sat, watched remembered and was amused.

Went down to fac dance though. Janice, Gareth and Shao Ning pestered. I dragged myself there. And was humiliated cuz honestly, I don't know how to do the dance at all.

Oh yes, I forget. Our CNY street market stall was a raving success. My efforts in lugging a container to store the drinks from home paid off. And of course when me and Yan Long walked to 7-11 to lug somemore ice back. We sold the drinks cheap, 50c for two cups. And we had a profit!! Of 33.33%! Yep so that was a good thing. I was happy, because so many people helped out.

=)

Was just whiling time away. Went to the orch room and took out dun jie's violin. Its so sweet and I played the above 3 pieces over and over and over.

Went home, practiced the same pieces over and over and over again.

Poured my heart out.

Well at least I practiced today.

And learnt many things today.

Nevermind that I'm still alone.

Yet who can hear? Who can understand?

Who??

The silence remains, it rings like death in my ear. Everything that happened today was so different from what I've been expecting. I keep it all inside like a boulder. I talk and laugh and act like a goofer, but in the end... I cannot escape reality, of what I have failed.

There are just so many doubts that it is like it never existed.

The music stops, and the heart wilts. Let the new layer surface, I beg, I plead.

I concede.

Nothing much, except I got screwed left right center by pang yesterday.

Other than that...

There's something new bugging me now. Everything seems right you know, everything points to one obvious conclusion.

Yet I hesitate to tread into this unknown territory. To risk it all. My life, my reputation, my mind. And my heart. What's left of it. How can I be certain of anything??

It's absurd. How people speak to me with such conviction, yet I have no confidence of my own.

I bide my time.

Got so much good stuff from judy today! Ice cream and lots of bach partita recordings. Sibelius Violin, and Shosty Violin. Haha! Treasures!! Finally have a chaconne on cd.

You make me feel so caged, so watched, so pressured to be who you want me to be.

What happened to the past warmth? Or is it just me.

Alone.

Hey...

Today's been a fun day!!

Went out with the OG 26 people! Went to Cine and watched memoirs of a geisha. Well... For me it was a long drawnout movie, and I went to pee for the first time ever while watching a movie. Haha... But some others said the movie was nice, so I dunno. Haha. I guess you'll have to catch it yourself.

After that went to take Neoprints. Eek! Waste money, that's what all the guys thought. Haha!

Oh and met Janice! Apparently she was watching in the same theater as us! And met her and another guy called Yi Quan, again, on 171, with Lysia, while going home.

I don't smile alot??? =/

Hey!

Today's SNYO rehearsal was fun! Mr Lim was in a good mood, Jon Lim did something damn stupid but it was so hilarious i laughed all the way till break time. We started doing spiccato without moving the bow, just moving the viola. Haha. Just 3hrs of wacky stuff. Damn fun! That's what I go to rehearsals for!

So now I'll just live in bliss for a while.. I don't want to face reality, just to indulge in this fairy tale while I still can. Though I know I'll have to snap outta it some time... There's always something holding me back.

Hey.

Today's... Been bad. At least it wasn't so good as yesterday. Was quite depressed after... Aiya. What does it matter anyway. At least those people mocking me had fun. Yeah, well I'm willing to accept that.

But that doesn't stop it from... From... I shall cease to elaborate.

I smile now. But I wonder at what. At the realisation of certain things? They are sad things that I discover, but still, I cherish them as unescapable, undebatable solid fact. At least its hard ground I know I step upon, not thin ice.

Anyway on to happier stuff, my massage technique works! And Nigel was damn amazed when I was walking without a limp today! Yay! Yep, so anybody who's sprained an ankle, come to me okay? I'll teach you something that you can do so that it won't hurt, and heal damn fast too. Right now the swelling is really little.

Haha. Other random stuff... Wrote a stupid little compo during chinese lesson today, peppering the teacher with comments. Haha! And of course fang zhou crashed and I hung around with her a while.

Yep.

Truths may hurt but they don't terrorise. That's why I'm content with what I have.

Argh, busy!!

Just created the class blog, yay!!

Today's been a great day. Finally bought chocolates for my angel and mortal and for snacking during lectures...

Just... Today's been a nice day. =) I like it!

Only thing was that I sprained my ankle.

I wonder how long it'll take for my parents to realise it.

Anyway.

I gotta run!!

I thought about in the shower...

I'm extremely sorry for whining so much during the open air gig at ngee ann today. Being a musician (at least I hope so) I've forgotten the key importance of music.

And that is to touch lives. To touch the hearts of people. Of anyone, the rich and poor, powerful and unknown alike. How could I forget, I feel so ashamed.

Though there weren't many people present, at least there was that handful, of tourists and tired employees, who stopped by, shaded by the tent from the rain, and watched and listened and smiled. I remember that sight, and now thinking back, I guess it was worth it, to alleviate whatever burdens they might have on a stormy day.

With our music.