In the stillness of the night, it is the most glaringly obvious in its absence.

How could one take something so beautiful and twist it into a barb that pierces soul so easily?

I wake up and whisper a little sunshine.

Good morning.

Singapore has been thoroughly awesome thus far. I am one step closer to absolving my wardrobe woes.

Ban mian, durian.

FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE !

NINJA 5 !

I can hardly believe it myself:

Tuna sandwiches, Cai fan, Kway chap, Hokkien mee, Chilli crab, Roasted chicken, Omelette, Tao huay, Jackfruit and a Ferrero Roche.

Swimming, football, watching Germany spare us the torture which is watching England play for the rest of the tournament.

Boy what a good match that was.

And when the curtains part all I see is that familiar twinkle set in the deepest blue. Come turn my eyes to the things I don't ever see. Blow my mind. The trivial things turn to dust with a whisper from a thousand miles away.

Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

To take my own advice, white bunnies, white bunnies.

Ok gonna go swimming in the cold!

Cai tao kueh, Stay beehoon, Clear fish soup, Sambal kankong, Sambal stingray, Mom's stir-fried vegetables with prawn.

2 x S$66 Levi's signature (thanks Andris for sharing even though you have no luggage space left)

It really is good to be home.

Like a cat o' nine tails, raking across my back.

Take this cup from me, but thy will be done.

I am a little tired !

Damn you Joseph get your ass here so I can swim, dammit!

Gave me my vinegar on a sponge, and fulfilled my scripture.

Prata twice in a day. How much I have missed you, oil and dough, roasted to perfection and soaked in thick curry. You are mine and I have returned. Now get your ass in my tummy.

You know what I can't wait to have that with you.

8 days.

Back in Singapore. Like they say, the first thing that hits you is the heat. And all of a sudden, wearing a T shirt and jeans feels like three winter jackets in Melbourne Summer. Then you're aware that the very virtue of not being in an air-conditioned room elicits sweat from every pore in your body.

But, boy am I glad to be home.

It's 1:33am and its quiet. My family is sleeping and here I am. I love them and I can't wait to spend more time making up for my absence.

HCSE, I've missed you. The whacky things you do, your lame horny jokes, your genuine love for wasting precious life away hacking each other to death via computer screens and hardcore right clicking.

The exam didn't go as well for me as it might have gone for others. All the same, I think I did try. And as dear Craig puts it, failure is just an indication of what doesn't work! The Hero always finds his way.

Things may happen that make you question who you are, what you're about, whether you belong. Then you start to feel gutless, discouraged and fearful. You lose hope.

Then you think again and ask if giving up is what you really want.

There's still a place out there that I can get to. And I won't be needing my wings. I don't need them to fly.

Sleep well.

Happy Father's Day.

I have something to say. As much as I like to tinge my words with sarcasm and veiled insults, deep inside I know that I will want to be a dad just like you.

I said a little while back that I don't know if I'll ever want to be a father. Will I ever be good enough? As a father you want to give the best to your children, and nothing less. And sometimes I wonder if I could ever live up to those expectations.

But you, on the other hand, have everything to be proud of. If ever I decide to undertake the wonderful yet daunting journey of parenthood I would want to:

1. Always be supportive
2. Always want the best for the kids
3. Not be afraid to stand up for them when they're too weak to do so
4. Always give second chances and have faith
5. Never impose, and let them find their own place in life

Just a short list of what you've done for me. Of course, there's so much more.

Her smell lingers at the back of my head, like a migraine that won't go away. 5 hours is a hell of a long time when all you can think of is sunshine and goldfishes.

Note: Blogging lets you be who you never could be. It lets you create a world that detracts from reality. It lets you cast your own light on things. And to live your dreams.

He sat there, like he has done for all of time. Stroke after stroke, he paints, unfolding the scene which is fate. He smiles as every speck of paint, like a dream, falls into place.

Elsewhere, the leaf shed during the fall still yet to touch solid ground. But as the wind it rides dies, so does its descent begin. Down down down, it spirals. Dreams may take flight, but it is always only a matter of time before the truth sets in again.

A day becomes a month, a month becomes a year. Time really does fly, and before you know it, you're a hundred. But still waiting. Waiting on a dream.

I'm glad I'm living mine.

And again he smiles as he admires the carving on his skin, yet another work of grisly art made of sorrow, pain and the darkest thoughts.

After another seven days he sent forth a dove. It did not return.

Bring me an olive branch to crown my peace.

It's not being emo, it's just taking myself a little more seriously.

But when you're on a topic that sombre, sometimes the knife that you meant to thrust into the heart of your demons turns upon yourself.

Her glance piercing through my eyes, staring into my being. With her tender love she melts away all inhibition, exposing every secret and I can't help but bleed out my very soul.

Take your time, let me savour every bite you take of my heart. It doesn't hurt as much as it makes me want to give a little more.

Fall like a seed to die so that you can grow again.

So go ahead and kill me. Thrust it in to the hilt and twist it. I will always be coming back for more.

We all have something we need to excise.

I can't figure the Lord down in funereal gravity
One finishing touch and the creature is coming alive
As I kneel down and pray
I know God is watching over me
Is He pissing Himself
When He's knocking me out of my stride

And on day number eight
When the sun is about to go down
Here we go, what a show
What a nose for a blow

You're alive said the maker and smiled at the aardvark
You're divine by the grace of the master above
You're alive said the maker and smiled at the aardvark
You're divine by the grace of the master above

Hey Frankenstein are you the one I think you are
[Godfather] If we're divine your are bizarre
I hear you laughing from the loge above
[At my expense for your entertainment]

Hey Lord above why don't your armies ever smile
[Godfather] why don't they ever dress in style
And never share the humor that you surely have
[Creating me for your entertainment]

Why do they have to get married
Before they do what they do
Everyday anyway, when there's hell to pay

You're alive said the maker and smiled at the aardvark
You're divine by the grace of the master above
You're alive said the maker and smiled at the aardvark
You're divine by the grace of the master above

We fold our hands afraid of what we've done
Fear is the key to you - thy kingdome come
Shake your head and have another wine
Don't you almost die laughing wondering why

Running in the dust, running in the dust
Afraid of the hail stones cold as ice
Running in the dust, running in the dust
Straight to the wastelands
We'll never read your signs

Running in the dust, running in the dust
Afraid of tomorrow
Afraid of what we've done
Running in the dust, running in the dust
You're the disciples of the big bad wolf or what

You're alive said the maker and smiled at the aardvark
You're divine by the grace of the master above
You're alive said the maker and smiled at the aardvark
You're divine by the grace of the master above
You're alive, oh you're alive
You're alive, the pride of creation

Oh you're the pride of creation, yes you are
Oh you're the pride of creation

-Edguy (Tinnitus Sanctus, "The Pride of Creation")

Fucking genius.

Last night, the rain splattering on the window pane, each drop washing away the grime that coats the glass, like how every thought and notion chisels away the walls shielding the true colour of the heart.

It was warm inside but all I could think of was how it would be like to be out.

Sometimes we cut ourselves just to make sure we can feel something. To make sure we aren't dead.

To feel is to live.
To love is to make whole.

At first, he dreamt.
Then, he failed. Utterly.
For a time, fear and insecurity belied his every move.
Then he decided that if it was not his fate, he would at least provide others with the lift they needed.
But he was never strong enough.
He finally decided that the only thing dreams chased were shadows.

If I could only find my wings.

It's so much easier to blame a god when the only alternative is to embrace your iniquities.

It's an old story.

..and the Scorpion said the the frog, "Go on, Frog, take me across the pond! I promise I won't sting!"

"No fucking way," the Frog retorted. "You're gonna fucking sting me and kill me."

"No I won't! You'll see! I promise!" said the Scorpion

And so the Frog let the scorpion climb onto his back and began to swim their way across. But half way into the journey, when his feet could not feel the bed any longer, he felt a searing pain on his back.

As the two hapless animals began to sink, the Frog exclaimed quite understandably angrily, "You fucking retard! What did you do that for?! See, now we're both going to die!"

"I'm sorry, but it's my nature."

We can't change who we are. And sometimes, shit really does happen to good people. But, even if given a chance, I wouldn't change anything.

Every sight and scene, every caress of an angel's wing, prancing through the fabric of my mind, leaving her indelible mark. Becoming the history that defines me.

Yes, I am made of my past. I would not have it any other way.

Though the nights get colder and the stars grow dimmer, still I would soldier on.

Why?

I would not know any better otherwise. I may not ever know at all. But all I can do is try. And leave behind the best of me, always.

Always.

I would trust her more than I trust myself.