Oh, and happy chinese new year everyone, and anyone! =)

Hey...

Yesterday was an ok day. Just stayed home and practiced more... I really should start doing stuff on my viola. Been doing violin these few days... For what? For Sibelius and Bruch... And Bach.

Watched tv also. Later in the evening went to grandma's house for reunion dinner. What can I say. I think my cousins are hostile, or maybe that's just the way they speak with other. Anyhow. After dinner just sat and watched tv. Again.

And I realise how fragile this barrier of indifference that I create is so fragile... All it needed was some sort infiltration by an insider... Everything that I worked to create has been torn down leaving me naked, bare, with nothing to cover me.

Or more specifically, there is nothing to hide my feelings with anymore. Everything's been blown wide open like a firecracker with a watermelon.

So now I wait again.

And I just prepare myself for the very worst.

Still... I do wish for certain things. Nevermind if I can't get them. At least I lived in a fantasy once before.

My house is devoid of sound except the running fan.

I have practiced till my fingers feel like dropping. Still, I have not expressed myself enough in my world of empty rooms, where the music from my heart is the only thing that still lives, and beats.

I played the first minute of sibelius over and over and over. Because I don't have the score, I just have to play based on what I've heard. I've played the first few seconds of the scottish over and over and over. I don't have the score too so I play from memory. I've played the first minute of chaconne over and over and over. I can't be bothered to look at the score and learn from where I stopped off. I could only memorize till there. Besides, I am in too much turmoil to learn anything.

AND STILL I BURN. Now there is no shortage of tears anymore. What am I? A wreck. Why? Because I allowed myself to be, that's why. Lessons learnt over and over and freaking over and yet they do not sink in, I continue to collide against concrete. These conflictions pull me apart, and there goes my humanity. I curse and I swear and I be violent against all that obstruct me, because I have no energy to hold these rushes of hot blood anymore. I can only do so much as to hold this ultimate monster. Its not frustration nor anger nor hate. You decide what it is.

I have duties that I have so skilfully neglected, and now I feel the pain. It is my fault, it truly is. And I aplogise to all who have looked to me for something, one way or another, yet I have not delivered. IT IS MY FAULT. Though I wish these burdens could taken off my shoulders. I don't want to work like this anymore... To be the one responsible for everything... I work silently behind the scenes, to the glorious perfection of a joyous event. Yet I stay not to enjoy the fruits of my labour, for I cannot. I have to do the work so that the show goes on. By the time I am relieved, the stage is empty, waiting for my triumphant entry. Yet... The auditorium is empty as well. And I face the voidness and emptiness...

ALONE.

No one sees me going about.

No one understands how much I let go for it.

But still I go on, and I do wonder why?

Can YOU tell me why?

Can YOU tell me why things are like this? Why I ponder and pain over such things. Why I'm pulled apart between duties and dreams so very often? I don't like this, to put it vaguely and simply.

I HATE IT.

So today was a day where I learned many things. At least its a start, to become who I really want to be.

It was Ming Yi's bday!! So Li Wei got her a cake. Ran around trying to find a lighter, and got one from the man at the canteen indian stall. It was a joint celebration for Ming Yi and Lin Xi whose bday was the sunday before! =D Returned the lighter to the nice indian man. Well the cake was chocolate. Which makes it a good cake. Haha! And Han Lu played Jay Chou's qing tian on the guitar for them and I sang along! Skipped all the impossibly high parts.

Anyway I just slacked through the CNY celebrations at the class bench. Watched the always interesting mass dance, but was too shagged to join in. And other reasons. I just sat, watched remembered and was amused.

Went down to fac dance though. Janice, Gareth and Shao Ning pestered. I dragged myself there. And was humiliated cuz honestly, I don't know how to do the dance at all.

Oh yes, I forget. Our CNY street market stall was a raving success. My efforts in lugging a container to store the drinks from home paid off. And of course when me and Yan Long walked to 7-11 to lug somemore ice back. We sold the drinks cheap, 50c for two cups. And we had a profit!! Of 33.33%! Yep so that was a good thing. I was happy, because so many people helped out.

=)

Was just whiling time away. Went to the orch room and took out dun jie's violin. Its so sweet and I played the above 3 pieces over and over and over.

Went home, practiced the same pieces over and over and over again.

Poured my heart out.

Well at least I practiced today.

And learnt many things today.

Nevermind that I'm still alone.

Yet who can hear? Who can understand?

Who??

The silence remains, it rings like death in my ear. Everything that happened today was so different from what I've been expecting. I keep it all inside like a boulder. I talk and laugh and act like a goofer, but in the end... I cannot escape reality, of what I have failed.

There are just so many doubts that it is like it never existed.

The music stops, and the heart wilts. Let the new layer surface, I beg, I plead.

I concede.

Nothing much, except I got screwed left right center by pang yesterday.

Other than that...

There's something new bugging me now. Everything seems right you know, everything points to one obvious conclusion.

Yet I hesitate to tread into this unknown territory. To risk it all. My life, my reputation, my mind. And my heart. What's left of it. How can I be certain of anything??

It's absurd. How people speak to me with such conviction, yet I have no confidence of my own.

I bide my time.

Got so much good stuff from judy today! Ice cream and lots of bach partita recordings. Sibelius Violin, and Shosty Violin. Haha! Treasures!! Finally have a chaconne on cd.

You make me feel so caged, so watched, so pressured to be who you want me to be.

What happened to the past warmth? Or is it just me.

Alone.

Hey...

Today's been a fun day!!

Went out with the OG 26 people! Went to Cine and watched memoirs of a geisha. Well... For me it was a long drawnout movie, and I went to pee for the first time ever while watching a movie. Haha... But some others said the movie was nice, so I dunno. Haha. I guess you'll have to catch it yourself.

After that went to take Neoprints. Eek! Waste money, that's what all the guys thought. Haha!

Oh and met Janice! Apparently she was watching in the same theater as us! And met her and another guy called Yi Quan, again, on 171, with Lysia, while going home.

I don't smile alot??? =/

Hey!

Today's SNYO rehearsal was fun! Mr Lim was in a good mood, Jon Lim did something damn stupid but it was so hilarious i laughed all the way till break time. We started doing spiccato without moving the bow, just moving the viola. Haha. Just 3hrs of wacky stuff. Damn fun! That's what I go to rehearsals for!

So now I'll just live in bliss for a while.. I don't want to face reality, just to indulge in this fairy tale while I still can. Though I know I'll have to snap outta it some time... There's always something holding me back.

Hey.

Today's... Been bad. At least it wasn't so good as yesterday. Was quite depressed after... Aiya. What does it matter anyway. At least those people mocking me had fun. Yeah, well I'm willing to accept that.

But that doesn't stop it from... From... I shall cease to elaborate.

I smile now. But I wonder at what. At the realisation of certain things? They are sad things that I discover, but still, I cherish them as unescapable, undebatable solid fact. At least its hard ground I know I step upon, not thin ice.

Anyway on to happier stuff, my massage technique works! And Nigel was damn amazed when I was walking without a limp today! Yay! Yep, so anybody who's sprained an ankle, come to me okay? I'll teach you something that you can do so that it won't hurt, and heal damn fast too. Right now the swelling is really little.

Haha. Other random stuff... Wrote a stupid little compo during chinese lesson today, peppering the teacher with comments. Haha! And of course fang zhou crashed and I hung around with her a while.

Yep.

Truths may hurt but they don't terrorise. That's why I'm content with what I have.

Argh, busy!!

Just created the class blog, yay!!

Today's been a great day. Finally bought chocolates for my angel and mortal and for snacking during lectures...

Just... Today's been a nice day. =) I like it!

Only thing was that I sprained my ankle.

I wonder how long it'll take for my parents to realise it.

Anyway.

I gotta run!!

I thought about in the shower...

I'm extremely sorry for whining so much during the open air gig at ngee ann today. Being a musician (at least I hope so) I've forgotten the key importance of music.

And that is to touch lives. To touch the hearts of people. Of anyone, the rich and poor, powerful and unknown alike. How could I forget, I feel so ashamed.

Though there weren't many people present, at least there was that handful, of tourists and tired employees, who stopped by, shaded by the tent from the rain, and watched and listened and smiled. I remember that sight, and now thinking back, I guess it was worth it, to alleviate whatever burdens they might have on a stormy day.

With our music.

Yesterday... After signing off, I asked around and found out a few things. Now everything's cleared up, and is so orderly.

You know how it is when something that's left hanging in the air and causes so much uncertainty? And that blessed relief when it finally lands down solidly. Sometimes, it may land the wrong way, it may cause pain. But that relief feels so much better that all pain is forgotten.

Like it is with me now. My toe may be snubbed. But man, does it feel great. At least one more mystery is closed. I shall reflect before I sleep tonight, I hope.

=)

Haha.

Today was scolded during bio for being clown-ish. Ah well.

Today's been so taxing.

Econs and Chem lectures were so very boring.

I fell sick. And I had to sleep during GP lesson, luckily the nice Mr McGregor let me.

So after that sleep I got better. Lasted through the next chem prac. It was titration. Mr Pang! Omg. But he seemed quite nice actually. So gotta wait and see.

Then rehearsal. Realised how incredibly sweet Yoke Yuan's violin is and I'm so jealous, wish I had it.

And then dinner with Lysia and Lenard at 6th ave. Came home and ate again, was so bloated.

Sigh.

I don't know, I need to sort out my thoughts now.

I'm so tired.

I'm so confused.

Yes I concede. I'm sad.

I had happiness and threw it away.

I love Beethoven's 5th symphony and I'm not afraid to proclaim that.

Why does it wreak so much intensive emotions upon a listener?

I think it's this:

Listen to the strokes of the violins. They're short and crisp. Now THAT is very, very untypical in a motive that is so intense in emotions of wrath, anger, and sadness.

When you're DAMN pissed, you don't lash out at someone in short, sharp bursts. Your rantings go on and on and on, CONTINUOUSLY.

Let me use another analogy: What deals more damage? A tidal wave or rain drops?

Answer is simple, tidal wave. It is like the long strokes of a violin bow, drawing out the emotions. And about the rain drops? Those short and crispy ones, that don't really let out the full intensity of feelings.

And that is why whenever you listen to the 5th, you feel so heavy, like your heart wants to burst out with all the sad and angry things. Because of the RESTRAINT. All emotions kept inside you that you never told anyone, all those things that you wanted to say and to do but never did.

And that's why I think its such a great piece.

But then again I could be wrong. I don't know anything about music anyway, so its best you ignore my rantings. More often than not, they'd be wrong.

But at least for me, that's why I love it. All the things inside...

Nevermind, they're for me and for me ALONE.

Once again this motive and fact of my life has made its point.

It is my FATE. I have accepted it. I do not lament over it any longer. Maybe things will be kinder to me in the future, I do not know, neither do I hope. Hope stinks. It eats even the shit out of you.

It was but another lie, made with the twirl of the hand and a carefree laugh. I remember that smirk. Not that I put the blame on anything, it was just a remark.

Hahaha! Not that they had anything to do with it. I never should have believed in such fairy tales. They are but impossible. That is the sad truth.

Tears don't flow now. Even those are kept from myself. I only laugh. Yes. To laugh in the face of these taxing trials. To do what I'm supposed to do, never mind what I want to. Showing sadness is a weakness that will only be pounced upon.

In the meantime, joy will be found in other things, to keep that smile there, to prevent it from being fake.

And of course I'll find a way to enjoy this loneliness. It's a matter of getting adapted to.

Do enjoy the 5th. All insults made against it will be promptly deleted. Screw the Tagic Overture, it's nothing compared to this titanic work.