Things change.

2010-12-24T03:57:00.000+11:00

I may not do well in exams. So what, I may be stupid.

But don't make a fool of me.

2010-10-31T16:45:00.002+11:00

Spending coin to gain coin.

To hedge a bet.

Take a leap of faith!

Let your wager spur you onwards into a battle of blood and glory !

2010-10-27T14:23:00.000+11:00

The reason why we all need Captain Underpants:

When the temperature plummets lower than Liverpool and Feyenoord have been in their respected leagues, what keeps us truly warm?

When you get all hot and bothered and sweaty from a heart pumping, breath taking run who's there to keep you dry and prevent groin abrasions?

When all you need is a friend to be there no matter what situation you're in. No matter how much of an embarrassment you are. Who's been there through it all?

And who accepts you without qualm even after knowing your every innermost detail? Flaws and all?

CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS!

We love you!

2010-10-26T23:16:00.001+11:00

ON MY WAY!

2010-10-25T00:05:00.000+11:00

You move on like the wind.

And how does the wind smell?

Of every rose's petal it has caressed.

2010-10-20T16:32:00.002+11:00

What's the point of having stuff you're not good enough for?

Go do your work and be worth something.

2010-10-13T23:21:00.002+11:00

no more obsessing about HTC Desire. Sadly, I let you go.

No regrets at all. Scratchbirds are strong creatures.

2010-10-12T23:40:00.000+11:00

Money doesn't grow on trees.

Well until you become a cardiac surgeon it fucking doesn't.

So stop obsessing.

One more BAN: EBAY.com

Goal.com/en restrictions will hereby be reduced to just the main pages WITHOUT READING INDIVIDUAL ARTICLES.

You really don't need a HTC Desire. Or a Blackberry Storm. You are still in your pre-clinical years. You will only need that connection Year 3 onwards when you have a patient lying on the bed with AMI and you need to surf wiki urgently to find out if you should first do an ECG or totally freak out and cry for momma.

2010-10-10T23:47:00.000+11:00

FROM NOW ON:

NO MORE YOUTUBE (WITH EXCEPTION OF EVERY SINGAPOREAN SON), FACEBOOK (AT MOST 5MIN PER SESSION TO WISH HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND REPLY TO IN BOX WITH ABSOLUTELY NO CLICKING ON PROFILES/PICS/VIDEOS), GOAL.COM/EN (ARSENAL HAS NO HOPE THIS SEASON ANYWAY)

FUCK YOU PROCRASTINATION FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. YOU HAVE NO MROE CONTROL OVER MY LIFE. NO FUCKING MORE.

2010-10-09T23:39:00.000+11:00

What do you do when you lose your drive?

Doing a quick google search, the first thing that pops up is...

Memorable quotes from Fight Club (1999) starring a certain Brad Pitt and Edward Norton.

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."
"When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just... waiting for their turn to speak."
"Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments?"

Wake up.

2010-09-16T22:54:00.000+10:00

Fuck what's the point in moping. Can't change shit.

Overwiring the nervous system's stress response kills you.

I sometimes misquote Craig Hassed.

2010-09-09T16:22:00.001+10:00

Yay. First quartile but I'm not sure if I can maintain it.

2010-08-26T21:02:00.000+10:00

Neuroplasticity. The ability of the brain to change.

Take a little trip with me, in my endless circle.

I've been here before, yet I haven't. Every step takes me to a different place, yet its all the same the same the same.

The chiming bell, the weeping infant, the saviour hanging on the cross.

Why are you here, I think I know.

Your skeletons in the closet, they're banging to be let out.

All you'll ever be is what make yourself out to be.

Only you will know.

2010-08-07T20:26:00.000+10:00

Back from a Rural holiday. It has been truly awesome, such a fun experience.

Much thanks to Chris and Amber for adding lots of extras into the itenary that made the 4hour train journey totally worth the while. After getting to know Swan Hill to a more intimate degree, I think Kenny, Brandy and me will come back to do at least a short stint with no qualms at all. Hopefully there's a chance.

Without venturing too deep into details:

1. Free and Easy in the town
-crossing over to new south wales
-getting to know a town that has much to offer
-shopping in Jayjay's

2. Farm visit
-wonderful saxon-marino sheep
-insights on wool processing

3. Bed and Breakfast
-scones by the lake

4. Hospital visit
-inspiring words by an obstetrician about the importance of loving what you do

5. Art Gallery
-cake and coffee in a exquisitely decorated cafe

6. Pioneers Settlement
-a pleasant open air ride through the rain with cringeingly cheesy music

7. Attachment to District Nursing
-an awesome 6 hour trip though the country
-getting kissed by a 100yr old lady with loads of stories to tell
-lunch treat to a mixed grill

8. Federal Hotel
-$5 parma
-Free coffee and cake

9. Winery
10. olive farm

What a week.

2010-07-16T03:59:00.000+10:00

So this is it.

There's no time to regret what I did or didn't do, the time that could have been spent better, what could have been.

No.

Life goes on and its every bit my responsibility to carry on where I've left off.

It gets hard and sometimes you just want to scream at something. But no one ever said it was going to be easy. That's for wimps. Real men slug it out in the mud, day in, day out, never stopping except to scratch at that itch in their asscracks.

2010-07-14T14:57:00.000+10:00

I get angry when I lose control of things. I just don't want to lose what's mine. But what's the point of getting grey hair over milk that's meant to be spilt?

And when you see the world whizz past you beyond the split second thinking of your mind, you try to jump on the bandwagon and say, Hey! I'm still here! I'm still relevant!

Am I Not?

You begin to wonder if you've aged beyond the times when which you were deemed more than useless.

Oh am I not of twisted, convoluted intellect.

Tears well in his eyes, and uncontrollably, he sneezes. He hates the freaking dust.

So the packing begins.

2010-07-14T03:53:00.000+10:00

CAGE + SOCCER = BLISTER + MEGA x SHAG

Today is the day I stop dota for yet another half a year. Watch me.

2010-07-13T03:16:00.001+10:00

How nice it would be

If you had money, you could eat nice food.
Any nice food, anywhere.
You wouldn't have to care
About paying, cos you could.

If you had money, you could have a fast car.
Any kind of car, any luxury brand.
Boy, wouldn't it be grand?
If you could have such fast car.

If you had money, you could have a big house.
As big as you like, anywhere at all.
Oh, would I be so enthralled,
Living in my nice big house.

If you had money, you could buy the world.
The whole world would be yours.
But then, whatever for?
I don't need the world.

Went to Gemma's place at Sentosa Cove and it was the grandest, most luxurious place to stay I've seen in Singapore since the back of King Albert Park. The landscaping and exclusiveness is simply breathtaking, the architecture and massiveness stunning.

I will never live in a place like that.

People spend their whole lives chasing money. And why not? Everyone wants it. Everyone needs it. No one can do without it. You don't have to worry about whether you can afford eating somewhere, or buying that new shirt, or even plain taking a cab because you need to. You can buy things for your children, and watch their faces light up when they get a coveted new toy.

I think I need to be more careful with my money. I just can't be who I'm not.

And we struck Orhni off the list.

2010-07-12T01:44:00.000+10:00

While waiting for the hair to dry.

What is it that keeps us from jumping off a tall building and killing ourselves?

How meaningless life can get when you think about it. You're only given a hundred years and that's that. No continuation, no lasting landmarks. Even the greats are forgotten when the sands of time cover their tracks.

It’s not about what you are to yourself. It’s about what you leave behind for people. That distinguishes the Great from the rest.

Someone said that before. And I wonder if it's just a silly lie sometimes.

Everyone reaches this dead end sooner or later. Some find their answers in worldly matters. Others in religion. Others in family.

I just trust that there's always something for me. Always. And try to appreciate the fact that the small things matter. Every small thing.

It's the picture of that which is so precious. Brighten up the gloom when it comes.

Hung up on your wall for the world to see.

2010-07-10T06:12:00.000+10:00

The silence of the night gives stillness of mind. Reaching deeper into his pockets he retrieves a sliver of himself, barely wincing as he does. Time has mellowed him enough for him to make nothing more of it than a little token of his trust.

For your eyes only.

A break that isn't a break. I increasingly find myself tired out by the endless activities an overseas student has to partake in during his vacations. The endless scouring for food sorely missed, the multitudes of friends you are dying to meet, the vehement complaints about the weather.

This isn't a complaint, it is merely a remark. Truth be told there is just so much to do and so little time to do it.

Then again much the same could be said for life in general.

Hold on to the things that matter.

Toy Story 3 might be a cartoon but it was a great illustration on loyalty, friendship and responsibility. Catch it if you can.

2010-07-09T13:14:00.002+10:00

Can't wait for TS 3!!

2010-07-08T04:27:00.000+10:00

Go Germany !

Rip spain a new one!

2010-07-06T02:22:00.000+10:00

IT'S NICE TO MEET UP AND BITCH.

omfg I please add Empire State into my rather-you-drag-me-to-hell list.

world cup world cup im so excited.

Good company.

2010-07-05T04:28:00.001+10:00

Go Germany/ Netherlands!

I don't understand how the sky lights up so bright with a single turn of the lips and the tinkle of a bell. What are you doing? It makes me want to scream, and I feel so stupid.

2010-07-05T02:40:00.003+10:00

There is something extremely wrong with blogger.

Kl trip was nothing short of a mad splurge on some clothes and lots and lots of books. I hope I will use them. I really do.

Enough with the unfulfilled expectations. You were made for so much more.

I love the smell of new books. And the joy of holding in your hand such privy knowledge.

Other than the odd argument, it was kind of a lazy, somewhat enjoyable trip.

Sent Andris off today and I wonder when I will ever see her again, if ever.

My god I haven't felt so stupid in so long.

2010-07-01T03:26:00.000+10:00

What is beautiful will always remain beautiful. I would do well to never forget.

Every stolen glance and whisper forever etched, and they glow brighter than the sun.

Sift through the sands of time, and you will find things you overlooked. Some things remain.

Listen to your heart when he's calling for you.

Be safe, I pray.

2010-06-29T23:58:00.000+10:00

In the stillness of the night, it is the most glaringly obvious in its absence.

How could one take something so beautiful and twist it into a barb that pierces soul so easily?

I wake up and whisper a little sunshine.

Good morning.

Singapore has been thoroughly awesome thus far. I am one step closer to absolving my wardrobe woes.

Ban mian, durian.

2010-06-28T16:24:00.002+10:00

FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE FIVE !

NINJA 5 !

2010-06-28T03:03:00.000+10:00

I can hardly believe it myself:

Tuna sandwiches, Cai fan, Kway chap, Hokkien mee, Chilli crab, Roasted chicken, Omelette, Tao huay, Jackfruit and a Ferrero Roche.

Swimming, football, watching Germany spare us the torture which is watching England play for the rest of the tournament.

Boy what a good match that was.

And when the curtains part all I see is that familiar twinkle set in the deepest blue. Come turn my eyes to the things I don't ever see. Blow my mind. The trivial things turn to dust with a whisper from a thousand miles away.

2010-06-27T11:15:00.000+10:00

Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

To take my own advice, white bunnies, white bunnies.

Ok gonna go swimming in the cold!

2010-06-27T02:26:00.000+10:00

Cai tao kueh, Stay beehoon, Clear fish soup, Sambal kankong, Sambal stingray, Mom's stir-fried vegetables with prawn.

2 x S$66 Levi's signature (thanks Andris for sharing even though you have no luggage space left)

It really is good to be home.

Like a cat o' nine tails, raking across my back.

Take this cup from me, but thy will be done.

2010-06-26T16:21:00.000+10:00

I am a little tired !

Damn you Joseph get your ass here so I can swim, dammit!

Gave me my vinegar on a sponge, and fulfilled my scripture.

2010-06-26T05:32:00.000+10:00

Prata twice in a day. How much I have missed you, oil and dough, roasted to perfection and soaked in thick curry. You are mine and I have returned. Now get your ass in my tummy.

You know what I can't wait to have that with you.

8 days.

2010-06-25T03:54:00.001+10:00

Back in Singapore. Like they say, the first thing that hits you is the heat. And all of a sudden, wearing a T shirt and jeans feels like three winter jackets in Melbourne Summer. Then you're aware that the very virtue of not being in an air-conditioned room elicits sweat from every pore in your body.

But, boy am I glad to be home.

It's 1:33am and its quiet. My family is sleeping and here I am. I love them and I can't wait to spend more time making up for my absence.

HCSE, I've missed you. The whacky things you do, your lame horny jokes, your genuine love for wasting precious life away hacking each other to death via computer screens and hardcore right clicking.

The exam didn't go as well for me as it might have gone for others. All the same, I think I did try. And as dear Craig puts it, failure is just an indication of what doesn't work! The Hero always finds his way.

2010-06-22T23:48:00.001+10:00

Things may happen that make you question who you are, what you're about, whether you belong. Then you start to feel gutless, discouraged and fearful. You lose hope.

Then you think again and ask if giving up is what you really want.

There's still a place out there that I can get to. And I won't be needing my wings. I don't need them to fly.

Sleep well.

2010-06-20T14:19:00.000+10:00

Happy Father's Day.

I have something to say. As much as I like to tinge my words with sarcasm and veiled insults, deep inside I know that I will want to be a dad just like you.

I said a little while back that I don't know if I'll ever want to be a father. Will I ever be good enough? As a father you want to give the best to your children, and nothing less. And sometimes I wonder if I could ever live up to those expectations.

But you, on the other hand, have everything to be proud of. If ever I decide to undertake the wonderful yet daunting journey of parenthood I would want to:

1. Always be supportive
2. Always want the best for the kids
3. Not be afraid to stand up for them when they're too weak to do so
4. Always give second chances and have faith
5. Never impose, and let them find their own place in life

Just a short list of what you've done for me. Of course, there's so much more.

Her smell lingers at the back of my head, like a migraine that won't go away. 5 hours is a hell of a long time when all you can think of is sunshine and goldfishes.

2010-06-17T00:28:00.000+10:00

Note: Blogging lets you be who you never could be. It lets you create a world that detracts from reality. It lets you cast your own light on things. And to live your dreams.

He sat there, like he has done for all of time. Stroke after stroke, he paints, unfolding the scene which is fate. He smiles as every speck of paint, like a dream, falls into place.

Elsewhere, the leaf shed during the fall still yet to touch solid ground. But as the wind it rides dies, so does its descent begin. Down down down, it spirals. Dreams may take flight, but it is always only a matter of time before the truth sets in again.

A day becomes a month, a month becomes a year. Time really does fly, and before you know it, you're a hundred. But still waiting. Waiting on a dream.

I'm glad I'm living mine.

2010-06-12T22:52:00.000+10:00

And again he smiles as he admires the carving on his skin, yet another work of grisly art made of sorrow, pain and the darkest thoughts.

2010-06-12T22:49:00.001+10:00

After another seven days he sent forth a dove. It did not return.

Bring me an olive branch to crown my peace.

It's not being emo, it's just taking myself a little more seriously.

But when you're on a topic that sombre, sometimes the knife that you meant to thrust into the heart of your demons turns upon yourself.

Her glance piercing through my eyes, staring into my being. With her tender love she melts away all inhibition, exposing every secret and I can't help but bleed out my very soul.

Take your time, let me savour every bite you take of my heart. It doesn't hurt as much as it makes me want to give a little more.

Fall like a seed to die so that you can grow again.

So go ahead and kill me. Thrust it in to the hilt and twist it. I will always be coming back for more.

We all have something we need to excise.

2010-06-10T19:26:00.001+10:00

I can't figure the Lord down in funereal gravity
One finishing touch and the creature is coming alive
As I kneel down and pray
I know God is watching over me
Is He pissing Himself
When He's knocking me out of my stride

And on day number eight
When the sun is about to go down
Here we go, what a show
What a nose for a blow

You're alive said the maker and smiled at the aardvark
You're divine by the grace of the master above
You're alive said the maker and smiled at the aardvark
You're divine by the grace of the master above

Hey Frankenstein are you the one I think you are
[Godfather] If we're divine your are bizarre
I hear you laughing from the loge above
[At my expense for your entertainment]

Hey Lord above why don't your armies ever smile
[Godfather] why don't they ever dress in style
And never share the humor that you surely have
[Creating me for your entertainment]

Why do they have to get married
Before they do what they do
Everyday anyway, when there's hell to pay

You're alive said the maker and smiled at the aardvark
You're divine by the grace of the master above
You're alive said the maker and smiled at the aardvark
You're divine by the grace of the master above

We fold our hands afraid of what we've done
Fear is the key to you - thy kingdome come
Shake your head and have another wine
Don't you almost die laughing wondering why

Running in the dust, running in the dust
Afraid of the hail stones cold as ice
Running in the dust, running in the dust
Straight to the wastelands
We'll never read your signs

Running in the dust, running in the dust
Afraid of tomorrow
Afraid of what we've done
Running in the dust, running in the dust
You're the disciples of the big bad wolf or what

You're alive said the maker and smiled at the aardvark
You're divine by the grace of the master above
You're alive said the maker and smiled at the aardvark
You're divine by the grace of the master above
You're alive, oh you're alive
You're alive, the pride of creation

Oh you're the pride of creation, yes you are
Oh you're the pride of creation

-Edguy (Tinnitus Sanctus, "The Pride of Creation")

Fucking genius.

Last night, the rain splattering on the window pane, each drop washing away the grime that coats the glass, like how every thought and notion chisels away the walls shielding the true colour of the heart.

It was warm inside but all I could think of was how it would be like to be out.

Sometimes we cut ourselves just to make sure we can feel something. To make sure we aren't dead.

To feel is to live.
To love is to make whole.

At first, he dreamt.
Then, he failed. Utterly.
For a time, fear and insecurity belied his every move.
Then he decided that if it was not his fate, he would at least provide others with the lift they needed.
But he was never strong enough.
He finally decided that the only thing dreams chased were shadows.

If I could only find my wings.

It's so much easier to blame a god when the only alternative is to embrace your iniquities.

2010-06-04T17:29:00.002+10:00

It's an old story.

..and the Scorpion said the the frog, "Go on, Frog, take me across the pond! I promise I won't sting!"

"No fucking way," the Frog retorted. "You're gonna fucking sting me and kill me."

"No I won't! You'll see! I promise!" said the Scorpion

And so the Frog let the scorpion climb onto his back and began to swim their way across. But half way into the journey, when his feet could not feel the bed any longer, he felt a searing pain on his back.

As the two hapless animals began to sink, the Frog exclaimed quite understandably angrily, "You fucking retard! What did you do that for?! See, now we're both going to die!"

"I'm sorry, but it's my nature."

We can't change who we are. And sometimes, shit really does happen to good people. But, even if given a chance, I wouldn't change anything.

Every sight and scene, every caress of an angel's wing, prancing through the fabric of my mind, leaving her indelible mark. Becoming the history that defines me.

Yes, I am made of my past. I would not have it any other way.

Though the nights get colder and the stars grow dimmer, still I would soldier on.

Why?

I would not know any better otherwise. I may not ever know at all. But all I can do is try. And leave behind the best of me, always.

Always.

I would trust her more than I trust myself.

2010-06-01T21:26:00.000+10:00

Have a very happy June.

I fell asleep last night listening to the sweetest flutter of an angel's wings. Flitting through the air, filling my soul with the deepest longing. Oscillating in my mind, ever present, I just wanted more and more. Soon the edges blur, and all there ever was was one. Melded in the most heartfelt outpouring of emotion.

Life has settled into a blaze of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, satisfying lunch boxes, cheap cake, dinners with friends, and the furriest of blankets.

I don't even think about it but sometimes forever pops into my head and I sing it with you.

2010-05-29T22:45:00.000+10:00

Trip to the city today was more than awesome. Dim sum, ice cream, coffee. Wind in my hair, rain caressing my cheek ever so slightly. I love Melbourne.

It's late.

Darkness surrounds him, in its suffocating nothingness.

He used to be so afraid of his insignificance, his weakness, his humanity.

I would stare fate in the face and I would not be able see my own reflection.

Would I be afraid?

Each breath, in and out, ringing in his ear, reverberating through his soul. He would give everything to stay in the moment forever.

Every beat of her heart giving him another reason to stay.

I wouldn't be afraid.

2010-05-25T15:31:00.000+10:00

It's snowing.

He glances furtively right, left, right again.

There's no one to see, no one to know.

The leaves of the elm would be his roof again, the cold metal of the park bench a substitute for the warm woolen sheets of a four poster.

All the while oblivious to the hearth that was his, ever burning, awaiting his return.

Why?

I would ask for one more gift, that I will always turn the other cheek.

Light me up. The brightest constellation fades into the murky depths when she prances through the very fabric of my mind. Thin, torn and tattered as it is, with every step she leaves her imperishable mark.

Becoming the history that defines me.

Stay happy, even if its for one more day.

2010-05-22T01:14:00.000+10:00

The winds of change sweep by, rousing the leaves left behind by the Great Fall. A deep golden brown, they arise with life anew and like every notion, every thought, every dream, they soar where the eye cannot see. Who knows where they go, or if they ever reach the places they were meant to.

Like them I don't really know where I'm heading off to either. It fills me with excitement and eagerness.

The past few days have been a whirlwind, whipping day to night, night to day and I'm reeling, falling deeper and deeper in. Let me drown.

Sing to me.

2010-05-15T20:29:00.001+10:00

And would I be the very one to soar with you into your future. But like Icarus, my wings are but of wax, brittle and weak. I feel the eyes of a partridge burning holes in my back, just waiting, waiting, waiting.

Waiting for me to give in to the inevitable.

Would you not be the wind that sends me to the arms of Delirium? In her deluge of colour, insanity and pure pure delight. Show me the paths that lie outside Destiny's garden because I don't really know my way around in these parts. Not anymore.

Paintball leaves bruises, Garangness exalts honour! Glory be to the man who leopard crawleth to get his moneybag. And to the bastard who shot me in the ass, may woe be to you !

Running in the cold! Makes you feel like you were meant to fly.

2010-05-15T02:55:00.000+10:00

Note to self: Penning thoughts becomes much harder the more they surface and jump around waiting to be addressed.

Hello, world. When you spat me out to fend for myself like a piece of rotten cud did you even stop to wipe the corners of your mouth? Do not attempt to mock me even as I cling on to the remaining tatters of my dignity. The spirit remains as it is, even as the body ages and falls away. You cannot break these kinds of things.

I think about Troy and I think about Paris and Helen and I hear Hector asking me those words which I have no answer to. Yet it frightens me when I feel so breathless, blinded and fooled and there's no way out, no way in. I am rambling but like I said I don't really know.

Peace.

To remind me of my intentions, my purpose. To not be selfish, to always be kind. To know when to stand a little further and let go. A bit. A little more.

I cannot emphasize what an experience GP site visit was. It was refreshing and revitalizing. Because I'm a little tired right now.

Happy Birthday Leonora. I hope you enjoyed Ming's cake as much as I did.

2010-05-10T18:23:00.000+10:00

Congratulations Chelsea you cheating glory-buyers! I hope you realise that once the money dries up so will the silverware. You can't buy yourself a history!

Once again, another Mother's Day tribute (from church) :

"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be. "

-Robert Munsch

http://www.rogerknapp.com/inspire/loveforever.htm

Its hard to recognize the right from wrong, and its even harder to stick to your guns and not be a hypocrite. May I always have the strength to give that little more, and be the son that you deserve to have.

Watching it fills me with a warmth that no winter chill can drive away. It is very, very confronting. I don't know how many more nights will pass before I wake up from this dream. Or if I ever will. But that's just silly silly silly, because I know nothing at all.

2010-05-08T13:27:00.002+10:00

The very slightest movement of his legs brings an ache close to unbearable. Yet he knows that it's worth every ounce of pain, for it makes him feel truly alive. For to feel is to live, and to love is to make whole.

Why can't life be as simple as this?

(It can, you just need to think it through.)

2010-05-08T08:55:00.003+10:00

Been sleeping at crazy times and for insanely short periods. It's not healthy, and it won't help me achieve my goals. It's time to stop this !

I want to say a few little somethings today. It's not about owning something or having it for keeps and guarding it with jealousy. It's about appreciating what it is as it sparkles enticingly in the distance, as it sways and rides the winds, and how it shines through the darkest clouds. Maybe its much better to appreciate something untarnished by your iniquity and flaws.

At the same time, you do whatever you can. Expect nothing, take nothing. You give because you want to and because it's only right. I have never had my mom ask me for anything other than growing into the perfect man in her eyes.

Speaking of which it's mother's day tomorrow and I have yet to find the perfect gift. I don't think I ever will. It's probably the distance that makes me feel so tenderly for her, but I guess we all need a little wake up call now and again. I confess to being a horrible son, mom. Hating you for loving me, pushing you away when I needed you and always finding myself in a shit hole I can't get out of myself only to have you bail me time and time again. I know I will never be perfect, yet in your eyes I see myself whole and complete, because that's all you've ever seen me as. I will always remember that incident during A levels when I lost my mind and turned into a monster and hurt you in a way that no son ever ever should in a thousand million lifetimes. And guilt will always wash my heart with an ache that nothing I do can ever ever take away. There are so many other incidents I can think of, but I can only take so much.

And at the end of the day, while searching for all the imperfect substitutes like flowers, cards and chocolate, I know that the perfect gift you wanted all along was for me to be happy. I'm trying.

Mom, I'm sorry. I love you. And I want to do you proud. May I never ever forget that.

That made me a tad emo.

Once again I am lagging behind in my work. It's time to buckle down and really work at it and be guilt free. At least I'm done with Case Commentary.

First movie yesterday in approximately 3 months. What a feeling. Ip Man II was thoroughly enjoyable, albeit being both predictable and typical Asian kungfu fare. But like I said, it WAS enjoyable, and when you watch anything with who I watched it with, it could be Days of Our Lives and you'd still be having a blast.

Had a scare. I'm glad my room's not burnt.

Going for another 4km run now. It's a real beautiful and sunny day in Melbourne !

2010-05-03T22:15:00.000+10:00

PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH !

2010-05-03T18:33:00.002+10:00

He had forgotten what it meant to run an open road. How he had missed it. Pain seared his side as he made his way down the avenue, to and fro, back and forth, around to where he started once again but it was worth every moment, every drop of sweat, every strain on his creaking bones and tiring muscles.

And he swears he will never ever forget the feeling.

There are times when I really don't know !

2010-05-02T17:37:00.002+10:00

I always mutter under my breath that life sucks.

Don't believe a single word of it.

This feeling of euphoria, kindle it, nurture it. Harness it to make your life a better one for others. It doesn't matter if you don't always succeed or if the end beats the means for lack of purpose. Just try, never give up.

"Live another day, climb a little higher. Find another reason to stay."

And I'm happy for the team that scored at the last minute to make it 2-1. Happy for the fact that I'm learning all these awesome things I may forget and I can't use to score in my exams. God damn, its the intellectual stimulation that I miss and need !

3rd Quartile? Don't give a damn ;)

2010-04-28T21:20:00.001+10:00

Cooked teriyaki chicken today and it turned out awesome. It's really the best I've done so far. Gave some to Glenn for his dinner and lunch tomorrow and I feel SIMPLY ECSTATIC.

God, I love this.

Moving on to new pastures, and wondering which path in the forking of ways I should take.

2010-04-27T22:13:00.003+10:00

Finally Free.

Have you ever seen a little something, a speck in the distance that absolutely intrigues you and fills you with a mad sense of longing without knowing what it really is.

Then you get close and find out it's nothing but an Old Abandoned House.

Well I exaggerate.

But there are some things you're much better off without.

Keep it coming, I'm still young, still full of life, still have a long way to go before throwing in the towel.

"This feeling inside me
Finally found my life, I'm finally free
No longer torn in two
I learned about my life by living through you."

2010-04-25T19:20:00.001+10:00

Fingers flying.
Riffs.
Motifs.
I will find you some day.

2010-04-25T08:21:00.001+10:00

It's a new day !

2010-04-24T22:01:00.002+10:00

Please give me the strength to put down myself, because I really want to be happy.

If there's a God out there, I say fuck you for making me the arrogant, judgmental person that I am. And if you did create me in your image, and if you knew me before I was conceived in my mother's womb then you know that I will never submit to your fucking will until you show me that you deserve some God damned respect.

I love life, but I hate what You've let it become. And I will always be walking the way which I think is right.

But hell, You already knew that, didn't you ?

2010-04-24T21:41:00.004+10:00

Christ taught us to love endlessly and give wholeheartedly, to never give up and fight with spirit for what is right, and to be humble and never to judge.

I can only pray that I have the strength to do all these things.

I don't give a raccoon's penis about world evangelization, about unity under Christ, about God's fucking plan.

I just want to be happy, and I really believe that the only way is to be the best I can be for others. I really believe that.

But I wonder who has my back. Is that something to be concerned about?

I really don't ask for much, but maybe that's the thing. I shouldn't ask for anything.

Take nothing and you will owe nothing.

2010-04-23T23:09:00.003+10:00

By the way the jock is being kept away from the weights in the gym due to a sore elbow. First fever, now elbow pain. The melodrama that keeps me away from attaining the perfect Aussie Footie Player (henceforth to be acronymized as AFP) body never ends.

Cycle cycle cycle.

2010-04-23T17:03:00.003+10:00

It's raining like there's no tomorrow, screwing up our well established plans for the weekend celebration.

I need groceries.

2010-04-20T19:26:00.001+10:00

And then the clouds part and the sun shines once again :)

Glad to be alive .

The Jock is back in the gym, yo!

2010-04-19T20:41:00.002+10:00

It's times like these when everything goes wrong that I really feel like giving up.

Then I wonder if crying is what I really want.

Just feel like I need a break, though.

I admit that I can't do everything, that there's always a limit to what I can offer and that I'm prone to making mistakes.

But in the words of DT:

"I may never find all the answers,
I may never understand why.
I may never prove what I know to be true
But I know that I still have to try."

I know I promised all of you that I would always do my best to leave behind the best of me.

Just taking a break, I swear.

2010-04-18T21:57:00.003+10:00

Being sick really sucks. Having a throat that feels like its being dragged through the streets of london by an arctic dog sled team everytime you swallow really sucks the happiness out of you.

But then comes in the friends. Who cook for you. Who ask how you're doing everywhere you go, even though you only ever told a couple of them. Who ask you if you need anything from the city. Who ask you to get your ass to a doctor. Who threaten to beat you flat with a cudgel if the thought of jogging while sick ever enters your mind.

You feel fucking, fucking blessed.

2010-04-16T18:21:00.002+10:00

I'M SO SHAGGED .

Thankfully, a happy ending to my first exam in many years. Still the joke of the moment, but I'm truly satisfied with the result. Why:

1. I've refound the purpose in doing what I do.

2. I have found a way to keep my enthusiasm for bookworming warm.

3. I have managed to have a new frame of mind, that nothing is ever, ever important, except loving what you, living with a passion and just enjoying every god damn second, whether or not you're stuck in an exam hall with nothing to do having finished your paper and having an eternity of 1.5hrs to go.

I'm still shagged.

Personal promise: I will eat Mushroom Chicken Claypot Rice next time at Claypot King.

Personal quote: Lord of the rings trilogy was really nice, but I fell asleep halfway. (JUST JOKING !)

2010-04-14T22:02:00.002+10:00

Just need a little bit more strength. Strength to say fuck it, bring it on because I'm not afraid. Not afraid of what they might say, they might think, because one of these days I will soar on eagles wings.

You raise me up.

2010-04-11T13:31:00.001+10:00

FEELING FUCKING HOMESICK AND I JUST WANT TO CRY.

Oh god, please, no no no.

I will bounce back from this, I swear. Just let me wallow in it a while.

2010-04-10T22:17:00.003+10:00

Today, once again alone on the South Bank.

A completely different feeling.

Happiness is something to be wanted and worked for. You don't sit and wish it to happen. And you need to want it from the bottom of your heart.

Such a beautiful, beautiful day. And I'm thankful for every drop of rain to wet my hair, every beat of a seagull's wings, every glint of sunshine on the Yarra river. And when the clouds part and the sky of absolute blue opens up...

I just want to sing you the song running in my blood. I'm yours.

Visited the War Memorial at Botanic Gardens and it was amazing. The art and sculpture, the landscaping, the peace. There is no glory in war, only that in the toughness of the human spirit. And through the eyes of a poet, an artist, a story-teller, I live the lives of those who deserved much much more than me.

I am no longer a casino virgin. Crown was such an eye-opener! Though I did feel a bit queasy from all the twinkling glaze and glamour, and from too much awesome cappucino, if that is even possible.

Finally found DFO and I love my new puma soccer boots. They were $38.50, red black and white. Can't wait to start making a fool of myself at the next soccer session :)

2010-04-10T08:28:00.003+10:00

Yesterday I figured it out.

I've been selfish. Manically so. I throw my shit around. And I start to sweat the small stuff. And under-appreciate my blessings.

I'm guilty.

But it's time for a change. No more.

If life is shit, then fucking hell, I'm gonna be the flower that grows outta it.

To be your beacon of light.

Sorry guys, I apologise, especially to Chris. You guys deserve so much better from me.

What a day ! :)

2010-04-06T10:02:00.002+10:00

Had surfing yesterday. A truly humbling experience. Got raped by the sea. Good workout though, and it was quite an experience to be wrapped in a tight sexy wetsuit. Of course not to mention the anticipation of a real monster of a wave.

Dinner at Sophia's after. Food is just ok but portions are quite mad. Was really happy though!

A thousand words searing red hot inside, branding the heart with their unbridled, dispassionate cries. But some things are better left unsaid.

2010-04-04T09:06:00.002+10:00

It feels good to be back. Then life goes on and I start to procrastinate again. The natural way of things.

That is not to say I disliked the road trip. Au contraire. It was good, pleasant, delightful and even lovely at times.

It did bring my mind back to God, the awe and all the promises. Fleetingly. But like I have said so many times before there are some things that you leave behind and you don't ever pick up again. What's meant to be will be.

It feels good to know and have an answer to things once again. Goodbye now. Life beckons.

2010-04-02T09:12:00.002+11:00

Just bathed from my jog and feeling damn good. Never had a run like this in a long time, where the only objective was to run. No timings to meet, no goals to hit. It's absolutely mind clearing, exhilarating. Caught a dandelion and wished happiness on everyone. As for myself, I'll be finding my own way.

Day 2 of my road trip and its looking pretty damn good!!

2010-03-31T09:08:00.002+11:00

Yesterday hit 20:17 for 5km on a treadmill. Very, very satisfied. If my life is all about eating, sleeping, mugging and running, then end it now for I am a complete man.

I hate it when they do things like that. It makes me look at myself and wonder if I have inherited a genetic disposition to being an arguable prick.

And the protector becomes the protected. I can only hope that I am able.

2010-03-28T00:20:00.002+11:00

The day started off well enough for him.

He increasingly found himself searching for something that he knew he never could find.

Walking down the South Bank, on his own for really the very first time.

The river glistened, like the thousand tear drops that were shed, and those that should have been but never did.

Empty faces, discordance, chaos, amidst the beautiful shades of forever.

The wind clawed at his skin, threatening to tear his heart out, but he was well guarded from the cold. He had created a way to survive.

All the time, thinking foolishly of what is forbidden.

It gets tiring when all you can do to keep sane is chase your own shadow.

2010-03-27T04:21:00.002+11:00

Was scolded by mom today for being escapist. For running away from responsibility and hardship. And even though I really think I tried my best, it plants doubts in my mind.

There are some things which you just can't bring back to life. You just carry on with life with the burden of having made a mistake forever borne in your heart.

I want to have lived a life with as little emotional baggage as possible.

So I try to hide away from that little ray of sunshine because I don't know if it'll ever accept me for what I am about. I don't feel deserving either.

It's so much easier to run.

Gotta love PCL.

2010-03-26T01:05:00.002+11:00

Another VESPA, another opportunity to flaunt my ignorance.

Are there really things that I know that others might have left out?

Need to keep believing that I'm not the resident idiot. That there will always be fight left in me.

Thank god for family.

2010-03-24T18:46:00.002+11:00

ENOUGH EMO. Time waits for no man. I still don't know what I'm doing but I'm so freaking good at not giving a rat's ass. At least now the red seas are parting and it's not a big blob of adipose tissue anymore. Rocks.

2010-03-22T15:58:00.003+11:00

Had HTHT with Ming yesterday.

I didn't know I was causing so much trouble for my friends. I used to think I had all the answers, I had it all going for me, that I'd be the one extending my hand out to others.

Arrogant and myopic have I been, who am I trying to kid.

I really don't know if I have a problem. Well I think I'm okay. Maybe I just miss bitching about every single damn thing. But it's true that 3rd parties always see better. Is there something I'm missing?

At last I'm able to put it into words. I've left EVERYTHING behind, my life, my music, my love. I've changed and nothing's the same anymore. I learnt not long ago that sometimes life makes you give up the things that you love. I'm not complaining. But really, WHAT AM I ABOUT NOW ? I'm not sure about anything I'm doing. I'm not even sure of what I am. Am I a monster, a freak, an anorexic ?

It doesn't really matter though. As long as I get my priorities right and do my loved ones proud. Not be a burden. Not be a narcissistic jackshit. It's just that I'm not confident I can do it. I've been such an underachiever, slacker and procrastinator all my life.

Really just want to be good at something for a change. I don't have to love it, it's really just a bonus.

Just so sian when I think about it.

Thinking of what I've given up makes it worse. But really, what can I do. I can't be a wreck forever.

2010-03-11T13:39:00.002+11:00

A very good day to you, dearest blog. How long have you been sitting here waiting for me? It feels good to know that you've always been waiting for my inevitable return. It seems like you've seen my every thought, witnessed my every move. And you know me inside out, like a hc bio student knows campbell's.

Like anybody else I'm just trying to be happy. And I'm pretty confident that no matter which direction I take, I'll find it. The gray clouds cover the sun sometimes but you gotta keep hoping that you'll see that golden ray again, change is gonna come.

2008-01-27T23:53:00.000+11:00

i told someone today that life's all about letting go and moving on.

perhaps i should take it back because life is much much more than that. it's just so big a thing that i can't possibly summarize it within this blog. anyhow right now there's alot of living in moments going on for me.

i'd like to talk about a little something. there's this little song that's been getting me through when i don't have my phone beside me (you know why).

suddenly my fav song in the album.

sometimes it brings tears but every time you cry, you get a little stronger. just can't sit there and let the world pass you by in self-pity. that'd be just tragic.

tomorrow you book in again. yet you're optimistic that you'll be able to last through. confident that while life goes on outside without you, you won't be forgotten, that there's a place for you to return to. then you feel touched beyond description that there are people willing to do everything they can to accommodate you, even at their own expense.

staring as i sit on the jarring steel steed,
watching eyes of devilish red stab the dark hues of night.
trees pass me by like solitary pilgrims
going on and on to face their loneliness.
yes, their loneliness till their death
they face ceaselessly, perpetually.
be happy and thankful you don't
and will never face the same fate.

beauty comes and fades but not the sweet scent of true love.

2008-01-27T02:00:00.000+11:00

back from hell on earth.

its been such a long time. can only hope that where i am, i'll finally learn a few lessons on perseverance and humility. watching the planes pass by as others fly off to meet the sunrise while we're stuck on limbo isn't the most enviable feeling.

in any case there's still the blessed sea. it reflects the colour of the skies, and is capable of existing in the most stunning blue. perhaps its the only thing noting and remembering in this whole experience.

but whatever. my life starts and ends during the weekend, with nothing left in between.

went to PS today. what a wonderful day. diving bell and the butterfly is such a fascinating show. wish i had a more literary mind to appreciate it further!

then there was the park and there was you, and suddenly all is right in the world

2008-01-09T14:20:00.000+11:00

nothing much to say about taiwan.

realised that there was this HC person called yi huang there and to think that i don't even recognize her! so interesting.

bought some nice new clothes.

ok going NS in err 2.5hrs. so excited.

will miss you. thanks for yesterday. love you.

2007-12-31T02:49:00.001+11:00

in taiwan now..

ok things are a bit sian cos most of the time and - i really mean that literally - is spent on the bus travelling my ass around the entire island. haven't stopped at a place for more than an hour except for meals, hotels and shopping at night. haven't really seen much of taiwan yet so pls dont ask me how it is here.

ok just exaggerating the last bit but hmm its not that there's nothing much to see, there is ALOT to. just that in tour groups you don't really see anything. so pls do NOT attempt to go on tour groups. you have been warned.

in general, the weather here is nice and cool. really enjoying it. though there has been warnings of extreme cold weather tmr, 7degs!! YIKES. hope i dont freeze my butt off.

everyday eating and sleeping (on the bus). the equation that defines pigs. that which is me. feel the lipids build!

the tourguide is damn funny thanks :)

loved the hotel we stayed in during 2nd night. damn shuang. big spacious room! nice hotel food.

happy that i finally own my first pair of jeans tonight.

ok sleep beckons.

dear. you know i miss you too. like crazy.

that just feels so... hmm. :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. i think im not gonna have the luxury of a computer tmr.

worst thing about this trip is not being able to spend it with you eh? :/

2007-12-27T03:31:00.000+11:00

leaving tmr morn, gotta wake up at 5am which makes one wonder, what the hell am i doing awake at this time?

lan was fun today haven't played such an exciting game in a loong long time.

ok, take care everyone.

"oh you couldn't really stun anyone 'cos you were all the time... sort of... dead."

<3.

2007-12-26T03:27:00.000+11:00

hello world i am BACK!

its been nearly 2 years! a long 2 years its been. love HC. love everything that's ever happened and im glad i didn't go to (gosh) raffles. yuck!

about xmas: its all about the decorations and the lights! love lights. especially when they glitter and shine off smooth porcelain, glass or plastic surfaces. those belonging to xmas decor, that is! so lovely.

a question! is it nicer when the lights are in a single colour (usually a pale blue or yellow hue) or a rojak of all colours? i thought about it maybe its got more to do with the hanging decorations and complementing them.

its been the most peaceful xmas in my life. absolutely serene. no undercurrents, no worries. just plain love and companionship and a faint little touch of I Am Legend. =)

its good. just watch it. haven't have had such a emotional attachment to fantasy in a long long time. i think the leader of the monsters looks like Ty Pennington! the host of extreme makeover home edition. anyway the monsters are simply adorable. they jump outta nowhere when you're in a dark lonely place to give you hugs!!

love my new wallet just love everything :)

taiwan soon. land of earthquakes, dirty politics and jay chou.

oh you're just so over her man.

"i like fat birds who sit in cages all day long to eat and sleep."

2007-07-15T03:47:00.000+10:00

OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE IM DOING THIS BUT I AM IM BLOGGING.

WAH LAO.

THINGS HAVE CHANGED, ALOT OF THEM.

I THINK THEY'LL ALWAYS KEEP CHANGING BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT LIFE-TIME IS ABOUT.

I have no idea what to say, HA, so I shall just keep my mouth shut.

If only you could see, you could hear, I could tell and we could be then oh sky above now come to me and bring this hope past eternity WOO HOO.

2006-03-21T03:57:00.000+11:00

I feel so... Down. So dejected. I've been listening to pieces from the Violinn Passion thing specially choosing the Andantes. And I remember this Wieniawski one that Menuhin did. It was.. Urgh. I don't know why its like this why I'm like this right now.

Of course no one can make it right, only you. Help. Heed my cry.

Please do not forsake me.

2006-02-10T02:16:00.000+11:00

My blog. Finally, my space to write down things that I've left unspoken... It's been... 1 year, 2 months and a few days, from the time when it happened and something snapped in my mind.

Now I can write, away from the knowledge of the world, from the people around me to say what I want to say. To find an avenue to put it all down. I have wondered why I never use a diary. But I guess its because there is always an end to a diary. There ain't never enough pages. But with this, I can write and write and write. No one would ever know. I could always come back again and ponder and recall.

I do wonder how I feel about these things now... I guess. I don't really try too hard. Or think too hard. I don't try to see through the fog. Rather, I just ponder on the hard cold facts...

2006-02-06T22:45:00.000+11:00

STJ was an interesting little thing.

After church went down to school once more. Met at the class bench. Yi Jia called to say he just bathed at home. Haha. Slack! Walked around with Han Lu and Shaun trying to find Keevin and Jasmine. Found Jasmine, and went down to the bench once again from the library to meet Keev, and Yi Jia who happily just arrived.

First clue for Amazing Race was some "point of 7 islands" thing. Jurong point. Took 157 there, which was stupid cuz it takes many detours to get to Boon Lay. Ah well, but we just slacked and talked lah.

Got there with Ming Xiu telling us to do a duck walk across the entrance? Haha. Not very embarassing, so just did it. Was told to collect 4 plastic bags, and met Yu Tian some where in the mall. Ate breadtalk. Got our next clue which was...

SiMei! Oh my god. Took an MRT and I remember us sitting upon the floor playing "truth or truth; spin the pen". Okay lor. Keevin and Yi Jia keep getting hit, don't know why. Just luck or the hand of god, i wouldn't know. Haha! Sigh. When it came to me, you know what questions I got, always always the same irritating thing argh. Ah well. Nvm.

*Brushes hair aside*

ANyway at the erm. Don't know what point? Zuo Hou had us use the plastic bags we got from Jurong Point to put on our feet to "iceskate" -.- Like small kid like that but not too humiliating either! So we all just did it. Then went to some nearby pet safari and had to find the number of popular dogs and one of the name of the breeds. Okay. Got wrong info the first round and I went down again. The cashier was pissed. But in the end I found the poster where all the info was on and off we left.

Had ice cream.

Out of Point: Gosh why do I bother to write so much?

Then next was... WOODLANDS. OH MY GOD. We were last by that time because of our long 157 trip and our ice cream eating. Damn funny. But YaYan taught us a cheap short cut way. Instead of taking MRT all the way, we stopped at tampines (had a waffle), then took 969 to yishun MRT then took another MRT to Woodlands, Causeway point. Met ShaoNing collected went to find a poster in a toilet, and took chilli sauce from macs, mos burger and kfc then went to catch Janice, who wasn't very hard to catch anyway.

Went down to Yi Shun again! Haha. This time it was Yu Tian again. Who wanted Jasmine to propose to the Taufik poster. Then someone had to kiss her. I shall cease to comment who. And anyway after that we had to find a list of items.. Straw from KFC, sushi receipt, paper bag from delifrance. Haha.. Then went to find Ming Xiu at Starbucks. We were really really late already, and game masters were warning us of the forfeits...

Took another MRT to sommerset, centre point. Haha. You realise every station was a "something"-point. Heh. And Zuo Hou was there. Had to go up to a mac's cashier and start asking stupid questions, "How big is a big mac?" "Is a cheeseburger bigger or a hamburger bigger?" "Can I have a hamburger without a pickle and not pay for the pickle?" Then take two packets chilli sauce and yam-seng with Keevin. -.-"

Then went to Robinsons to find Fong Yi. Some group did and everyone just gathered. Had to do some stupid forfeit. I take a bra, and, very manly, walk up to the saleswoman and then "Xiao Jie, zhe ge shi he wo ma?" in a gay fashion. Okay. How embarassing. But at that point something had snapped in my head, that my group wouldn't be last anymore, cuz everyone was there! So I cut ahead of Naga, who was really hesitant. Also did a second thing, which was go up to a vase of display flowers and try to buy them. Haha!

So then we got our clue to Yu Zhong's house and ran to Cine and took cabs.

And guess what. We ended up from last to first. DAMN FUNNY!!

Yep so at Yu ZHong's house we had a catered dinner. It was pretty nice. I liked the fried prawns with the crispy things and curry leaves, damn nice. Played a bit of cards, a bit of pool, then left relatively early, on ShaoNing's car. It was then that I realised she was actually sick, but still running around. Damn touching.

ANyway, the punishment for the last group was drinking a disgusting concoction of fruit punch, chilli sauce and just urgh stuff lah. Things you put into exothermic reaction. Sorry if I'm using too much slang. Can't be bothered to change. And er... My group got melted chocolate and lays potato chips. =)

That's it I suppose. About yesterday, viola lesson was a bit short. But I didn't practice anyway, so what's the point. Realised how nice Ravel can actually be. Though I still think Rapsodie Espagnole is full of cow-crap.

Today's Macritchi familiarization run was agonizingly funny. The S-club 7 from our class just walked through the whole thing, right at the back of everyone, finally cutting through the girls' route. We ended up being faster than a few people cuz of that, but still lost that lead in the end. Mr Teng was damn funny. He was saying to us in chinese, "Wah you guys walk like that from sec1 to j1!!" Yeah, it was really damn funny.

Somebody stole my wallet. I've got nothing to say really. Nothing.

My mother's a bitch, seriously. I hereby announce. There shall be no follow up. Wtf.

Today's been a bad day, I conclude.

There's nothing much I wanna say about how I feel about things. I won't say. Except... I wish there was someone or something to help me. Oh so much. I just wish I was the naive, ignorant person of 3 years ago. I listened to those songs I listened at that time. That time was sad.

But this time is sadder.

So despite the sad songs and their emotional baggage, I actually relived those times, AND WAS HAPPY.

Oh god, I WAS so happy.

Oh god.

2006-02-02T01:33:00.000+11:00

Hey.. It was a fun Chinese New Year alright. Though its the same routine every year, it still is extremely fun. =)

1st day of CNY went 2nd maternal uncle's place after church. Ate the traditional mee sua thing. Played lotsa black jack and earned loadsa cash. Fell asleep on the floor while watching tv in the basement. Woke up and was about to begin taiti when we had to go. Bugger!

Went home washed up a bit then left to grandma's place again. Heh heh. Continued playing cards. Heh. Watched tv.. Did the yu sheng thingy. Had a nice dinner.

2nd day.

Went to ex-neighbour's place. Some old granny where who we're really fond of cuz she took care of my bro when he was young.. Just sat and listened to her talk in teochew politely. Though I couldn't understand a word, I just liked it. You know, watching someone talk on and on. Somehow it wasn't as boring as assemblies and stuff. Was feeling a bit tired though.

Then went to maternal 7th uncle's place. Played gin rummy! Slinged 4 times and earned tonnes of cash and wow. Everyone was damn shocked and awed. Hahaha. Damn lucky. Fell asleep on the sofa! Had dinner, watched tv a bit whil eating, continued the card games... Haha. Fun what.

3rd and final day. Went out in the morning for breakfast at 6th ave with Lysia and Felix. Returned him his econs notes. Had prata then went over to venezia for ice cream! Then just sat there and talked nonsense. Then as we were leaving, me and Lysia noticed this caucasian guy with a toddler.

Man: "Which is your index finger?"

Son: Sticks out middle finger at his dad

Man: ".... Er... No. That's your middle finger..."

It was SO DAMN FUNNY LAH. Stumbled out of the building laughing my ass off and getting so weak at the knees I had to hang onto some signpost to stay upright.

Wasn't planning on going out. So did my work super slowly. Then suddenly parents announced that we were going aunt's place and I was damn shocked. Felt screwed cuz I had a lot of work.

But anyway went over and started playing Soldier of Fortune on the comp. Found out how to comtinue from the place where I ALWAYS got stuck at, which resulted in my stopping myself from playing.

Fulfilling. =)

That's it.

TODAY

I guess today's been quite a nice day to me. I'm not sad anymore. I can do my tutorials. I have free time. I can sleep early. I can play a bit of comp.

What more could I ask?

After school I stayed back at class bench to mug. Went to westmall after and walked around a bit, waiting to buy my bus concession from the MRT booth, which was "out to lunch"??!!

Ronnie Quek is a funny guy.

I think... I've woken up abit.

2006-01-30T02:36:00.000+11:00

Oh, and happy chinese new year everyone, and anyone! =)

2006-01-29T11:08:00.000+11:00

Hey...

Yesterday was an ok day. Just stayed home and practiced more... I really should start doing stuff on my viola. Been doing violin these few days... For what? For Sibelius and Bruch... And Bach.

Watched tv also. Later in the evening went to grandma's house for reunion dinner. What can I say. I think my cousins are hostile, or maybe that's just the way they speak with other. Anyhow. After dinner just sat and watched tv. Again.

And I realise how fragile this barrier of indifference that I create is so fragile... All it needed was some sort infiltration by an insider... Everything that I worked to create has been torn down leaving me naked, bare, with nothing to cover me.

Or more specifically, there is nothing to hide my feelings with anymore. Everything's been blown wide open like a firecracker with a watermelon.

So now I wait again.

And I just prepare myself for the very worst.

Still... I do wish for certain things. Nevermind if I can't get them. At least I lived in a fantasy once before.

2006-01-27T21:39:00.000+11:00

My house is devoid of sound except the running fan.

I have practiced till my fingers feel like dropping. Still, I have not expressed myself enough in my world of empty rooms, where the music from my heart is the only thing that still lives, and beats.

I played the first minute of sibelius over and over and over. Because I don't have the score, I just have to play based on what I've heard. I've played the first few seconds of the scottish over and over and over. I don't have the score too so I play from memory. I've played the first minute of chaconne over and over and over. I can't be bothered to look at the score and learn from where I stopped off. I could only memorize till there. Besides, I am in too much turmoil to learn anything.

AND STILL I BURN. Now there is no shortage of tears anymore. What am I? A wreck. Why? Because I allowed myself to be, that's why. Lessons learnt over and over and freaking over and yet they do not sink in, I continue to collide against concrete. These conflictions pull me apart, and there goes my humanity. I curse and I swear and I be violent against all that obstruct me, because I have no energy to hold these rushes of hot blood anymore. I can only do so much as to hold this ultimate monster. Its not frustration nor anger nor hate. You decide what it is.

I have duties that I have so skilfully neglected, and now I feel the pain. It is my fault, it truly is. And I aplogise to all who have looked to me for something, one way or another, yet I have not delivered. IT IS MY FAULT. Though I wish these burdens could taken off my shoulders. I don't want to work like this anymore... To be the one responsible for everything... I work silently behind the scenes, to the glorious perfection of a joyous event. Yet I stay not to enjoy the fruits of my labour, for I cannot. I have to do the work so that the show goes on. By the time I am relieved, the stage is empty, waiting for my triumphant entry. Yet... The auditorium is empty as well. And I face the voidness and emptiness...

ALONE.

No one sees me going about.

No one understands how much I let go for it.

But still I go on, and I do wonder why?

Can YOU tell me why?

Can YOU tell me why things are like this? Why I ponder and pain over such things. Why I'm pulled apart between duties and dreams so very often? I don't like this, to put it vaguely and simply.

I HATE IT.

So today was a day where I learned many things. At least its a start, to become who I really want to be.

It was Ming Yi's bday!! So Li Wei got her a cake. Ran around trying to find a lighter, and got one from the man at the canteen indian stall. It was a joint celebration for Ming Yi and Lin Xi whose bday was the sunday before! =D Returned the lighter to the nice indian man. Well the cake was chocolate. Which makes it a good cake. Haha! And Han Lu played Jay Chou's qing tian on the guitar for them and I sang along! Skipped all the impossibly high parts.

Anyway I just slacked through the CNY celebrations at the class bench. Watched the always interesting mass dance, but was too shagged to join in. And other reasons. I just sat, watched remembered and was amused.

Went down to fac dance though. Janice, Gareth and Shao Ning pestered. I dragged myself there. And was humiliated cuz honestly, I don't know how to do the dance at all.

Oh yes, I forget. Our CNY street market stall was a raving success. My efforts in lugging a container to store the drinks from home paid off. And of course when me and Yan Long walked to 7-11 to lug somemore ice back. We sold the drinks cheap, 50c for two cups. And we had a profit!! Of 33.33%! Yep so that was a good thing. I was happy, because so many people helped out.

=)

Was just whiling time away. Went to the orch room and took out dun jie's violin. Its so sweet and I played the above 3 pieces over and over and over.

Went home, practiced the same pieces over and over and over again.

Poured my heart out.

Well at least I practiced today.

And learnt many things today.

Nevermind that I'm still alone.

2006-01-27T01:47:00.000+11:00

Yet who can hear? Who can understand?

Who??

2006-01-27T01:41:00.000+11:00

The silence remains, it rings like death in my ear. Everything that happened today was so different from what I've been expecting. I keep it all inside like a boulder. I talk and laugh and act like a goofer, but in the end... I cannot escape reality, of what I have failed.

There are just so many doubts that it is like it never existed.

The music stops, and the heart wilts. Let the new layer surface, I beg, I plead.

I concede.

2006-01-25T20:09:00.000+11:00

Nothing much, except I got screwed left right center by pang yesterday.

Other than that...

There's something new bugging me now. Everything seems right you know, everything points to one obvious conclusion.

Yet I hesitate to tread into this unknown territory. To risk it all. My life, my reputation, my mind. And my heart. What's left of it. How can I be certain of anything??

It's absurd. How people speak to me with such conviction, yet I have no confidence of my own.

I bide my time.

2006-01-24T01:13:00.000+11:00

Got so much good stuff from judy today! Ice cream and lots of bach partita recordings. Sibelius Violin, and Shosty Violin. Haha! Treasures!! Finally have a chaconne on cd.

You make me feel so caged, so watched, so pressured to be who you want me to be.

What happened to the past warmth? Or is it just me.

Alone.

2006-01-22T23:46:00.000+11:00

Hey...

Today's been a fun day!!

Went out with the OG 26 people! Went to Cine and watched memoirs of a geisha. Well... For me it was a long drawnout movie, and I went to pee for the first time ever while watching a movie. Haha... But some others said the movie was nice, so I dunno. Haha. I guess you'll have to catch it yourself.

After that went to take Neoprints. Eek! Waste money, that's what all the guys thought. Haha!

Oh and met Janice! Apparently she was watching in the same theater as us! And met her and another guy called Yi Quan, again, on 171, with Lysia, while going home.

I don't smile alot??? =/

2006-01-22T02:54:00.000+11:00

Hey!

Today's SNYO rehearsal was fun! Mr Lim was in a good mood, Jon Lim did something damn stupid but it was so hilarious i laughed all the way till break time. We started doing spiccato without moving the bow, just moving the viola. Haha. Just 3hrs of wacky stuff. Damn fun! That's what I go to rehearsals for!

So now I'll just live in bliss for a while.. I don't want to face reality, just to indulge in this fairy tale while I still can. Though I know I'll have to snap outta it some time... There's always something holding me back.

2006-01-21T01:25:00.000+11:00

Hey.

Today's... Been bad. At least it wasn't so good as yesterday. Was quite depressed after... Aiya. What does it matter anyway. At least those people mocking me had fun. Yeah, well I'm willing to accept that.

But that doesn't stop it from... From... I shall cease to elaborate.

I smile now. But I wonder at what. At the realisation of certain things? They are sad things that I discover, but still, I cherish them as unescapable, undebatable solid fact. At least its hard ground I know I step upon, not thin ice.

Anyway on to happier stuff, my massage technique works! And Nigel was damn amazed when I was walking without a limp today! Yay! Yep, so anybody who's sprained an ankle, come to me okay? I'll teach you something that you can do so that it won't hurt, and heal damn fast too. Right now the swelling is really little.

Haha. Other random stuff... Wrote a stupid little compo during chinese lesson today, peppering the teacher with comments. Haha! And of course fang zhou crashed and I hung around with her a while.

Yep.

Truths may hurt but they don't terrorise. That's why I'm content with what I have.